Friday, December 17, 2010

Co-Sleeping

I'm thinking about starting to sleep with Hunter. In reality the majority of the world sleeps with their infants, and it was extremely common before "modern time" too. Babies having their own beds and bedrooms is an extremely recent development. People talk about the risks of co-sleeping, but there are also a lot of benefits, not just for breastfeeding, but also for breathing and how in-sync mother and baby are. Hunter just seems to sleep better when he's being held. I've done a lot of reading and research about it, and it goes both ways. We'll see how to goes, I'm going to start tonight.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Momma

There's something special about being a mom. When Hunter is happy my world is wonderful. When he smiles there's nothing more beautiful in the world. I try to think of him like a little person to help me figure out his quirks. He tells me what he needs, it's just in code. And I love him so much that deciphering that code so I can make him happy is of the utmost importance. But he's not fussy for no reason, he's not colicky, and he doesn't cry a lot. So when he's talking to me he really is trying to talk to me the only way he can.

Maybe all of this sounds dumb, but I'm completely smitten.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Becoming Baby Wise

So I've been keeping track of Hunter's natural schedule for the past week, and determined that we don't do anything on a real schedule. We nurse at random times, though the time between feedings is always acceptable. Naps are always variable in length of time and when they happen though, which means that awake times are variable too. From my reading I think that this is because we haven't established a first feeding time. According to Baby Wise if I wake him at a certain time every morning for the first feeding I can expect the rest of the day to follow a more predictable schedule. I've chosen 6:00AM, with a second feeding at 9:00AM, or around then. So for the next week I'm going to attempt to feed him at 6 and see how his natural schedule flows from there. According the Baby Wise, we should reach a natural stability of Eat-Wake-Sleep once I start waking him up at the same time every morning. Now, I do hope to sleep for another couple of hours between 6 and 9, as opposed to having a wake time in between. I have a general schedule proposed for the whole day, but that is an extremely loose guideline, especially now. Once I have enough of a record to make sense of our natural schedule I can work to refine it. Until then we'll just see what he does. Luckily I don't have daily obligations that require any particular space of free time.

Updates to follow. My goal is to have somewhat of an established schedule by the time we leave for Cleveland on the 19th. That's exactly two weeks. Here we go!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Hunter rolls over!


Hunter rolls over. I go a little overboard with the enthusiasm. He is 1 month and 3 days old.

Early morning feedings

I'm watching Buffy all over again. For those of you who have never seen the show, it has some of the best dialogue ever.

I've tried to put Hunter down after our night feeding three times, but the act of laying him down in his cradle wakes him up and then I have to start all over. He's perfectly content to stay on my lap, which means  that, of course, I have to go to the bathroom. So chances are I'll have to get him back to sleep a fourth time in a few minutes here. Some nights he's perfectly fine, but it feels like the majority of the time he can't help but wake up. Not a problem, I would hold him all the time if I could, but unfortunately life necessitates putting him down sometimes. He's such a snuggler though, I love it. His warm, little body nestled up against mine makes my heart melt. I could spend my whole life just watching him.

He does so many amazing things! He already working on so many developmental milestones and he's been on the more advanced end of everything! I know every child progresses at their own pace, so I'm not bragging so much as it's just really cool to see him growing and learning. He can already hold his head up, both during tummy time and when he's on anyones shoulder. I'm not exactly sure what the books mean by holding it up 45 degrees versus 90, I just know he holds it up and can manage it for quite a while. He also likes sitting up. Mom plays with him by laying him down and letting him grasp onto her fingers, then she pulls him up to sitting. He grips so hard! He's even able to communicate when he wants to go up and down. So she'll just pull him up and down for a little while and he is totally enthralled. We also do tummy time, of course. For the time being we usually put him on the table. It's up high, so it's more comfortable for people to watch him, and there's room to gather around. His feet  go wild when he's not trying to hold his head up. And this point it's mostly an either or deal, though sometimes he manages both. But his legs have the crawling motion down. Sometimes he seems to get frustrated because he doesn't have the mobility he desires yet. Once he gets his head control though he's going to be moving! I like to put him on the table with a blanket underneath him and then put my hands behind his feet so he has something to push off of. That way he gets to scoot around the table, which he seems to enjoy.

I can't believe how good he is at holding his head up already! He's getting to be such a big, strong boy! He's just about ready to go into 0-3 month clothes. He still fits into his newborn clothes, and 0-3 is still a little big, so I've been getting the most out of the smaller ones that I possibly can. We'll be upgrading soon enough.

Well, it would seem like fourth time was a charm. Hunter stayed asleep when I put him down this time, so it's time for me to follow suit and go back to sleep. I am falling sleep sitting here.                                                    

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Sleeping Habits

So Hunter was such a good sleeper...note the past tense. He would sleep for 3-5 hour stretches all night, so I was able to get plenty of sleep. Now, however, he doesn't like to stay asleep longer than two hours MAX unless I'm holding him. So after one night of continually being woken up and last night seeming to be following the same pattern after Grandma put him down for me and yet he still woke up within two hours, I fed him (growth spurt anyone?) and decided to break my own rules: I let him sleep with me on purpose. Usually he winds up sleeping with me because we've both fallen asleep while nursing. Last night I curled up holding him and just went with it. And, wow!, I got six hours of straight sleep. David got online, so when Hunter went back down I didn't, but he's been asleep for a little over an hour now, and I'm going to miss church because I don't have time to shower now. I should have done it last night.

Back on point though, I don't roll on him, or mush him, or suffocate him. We woke up in exactly the same spot that we fell asleep in. So yay for a successful night of mommy sleeping. I definitely needed it.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Laundry

One of those perks of motherhood seems to be a daily load of laundry. Not only does Hunter go through two to three onesies a day, but I go through clothes at a rapid pace as well. We go through what feels like a dozen burp cloths a day, although I haven't actually been keeping track, because I use them for everything. And no, I didn't suddenly change subjects, the burp cloths and my clothes are related. One of the glories of breastfeeding is that you leak everywhere. Apart from the cloths that we use to burp Hunter and put under his bum when changing him (let me tell you, much easier to throw the cloth in the laundry when poop happens during a diaper change. I threw away a grand total of four diapers during one diaper change this morning. The poop just wouldn't stop. At least he hasn't gotten me yet), but then there are the occasions when a burp cloth just isn't handy, and thus my robe becomes a spit up catcher, because he only spits up in volume when I don't have a burp cloth handy.

I also soak through several every day because my breasts apparently think I have twins. Our schedule generally involves feeding on one side for 10-15 minutes and then switching to the other side (although I am reevaluating this at the moment). The second breast seems to think it's in competition with the first breast, because it won't. stop. leaking. I have to put a burp cloth underneath it to catch all of the milk. I also go through a couple of shirts every day because inevitably I wind up soaked at some point during the day. Anyone who knows my health history knows that tight fitting clothes, such as bras, don't always get along with me. So yesterday to save myself the trouble of soaking clothes or being in pain (some days you're just handed crappy options) I just wore a towel underneath my robe for the second half of the day. The first half involved seeing David off at the airport, and they tend to appreciate clothing there, so I suffered through it, in every way.

I've stopped washing changing pad covers and my bedding just for a little bit of spit up or urine. They get thrown in when I'm doing laundry anyway and have room, but otherwise it's usually just not worth it. I've also expanded my tolerance for spit up on onesies. At first any little bit of wetness warranted a change of clothes. Now, as long as it doesn't seem like it's going to cause chafing, I let it go until I would change him anyway. And yet still the laundry piles seem huge every day. There's always something to be washed and something to be put away.

On a completely different note, my weight keeps dropping. At this point I've lost about 35lbs. This is the skinniest I've ever been. I've always been used to dealing with a belly. Before I was pregnant it was the belly I always sucked in, and it sucked in well. I was able to look a lot flatter than if I let it all hang out, and walked around in an almost constant state of ab-clenching without even thinking about it. Then I got pregnant and I wanted a belly to show off. That and it's hard to suck in a baby. And originally after having the baby I thought I was back to where I was before I got pregnant. Except giving it two weeks has left me without much to suck in. I definitely have a pooch, there's definitely fat on my belly (and those awful stretch marks), but it's a skinny pooch, if that makes sense. Momma Mac generously took me clothes shopping last week, which was wonderful because I hadn't thought to bring any non-maternity clothes with me from Colorado, and I'm actually worried that they won't fit if I keep losing weight. I think I'm going to try to limit what I wear for another couple of weeks and see what happens, just in case.

Motherhood (and post 100)

This perfect little boy is mine. When does that finally sink in? And yet he's my whole world. He has blonde hair and blue eyes like his daddy. He has the cutest sneezes you've ever heard, which I'm still trying to capture on video. And he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Right at this moment he's lying on my chest and I can't bring myself to get up to turn the light off because I'm enjoying cuddling so much. I'm getting tired but don't want to put him down.

Breastfeeding is going splendidly, we both seem naturally inclined. He sleeps like an angel. I have to wake him up most of the time. And he's already grown! I don't know exactly how much, but I can tell he has. David says he's an inch longer. He's probably surpassed his birth weight by now, seeing as he managed to gain 7oz between a Friday and a Monday doctors appointment. He has another one this Monday so then we'll know for sure.

I'll try to write more and post some pictures. Now that David has left I should have a little more free time. All of my time recently has been monopolized by my men. And I need something to take my mind off the loneliness of his being gone.

Monday, October 25, 2010

First post as a mom!

First off, thank you to everyone for all of your support and love through this. It definitely was not what I expected right from the start. Being told that you'll be getting sleep while you wait for the meds to kick in and then being given Pitocin right away is definitely a big change, for example. And pushing out a baby was also not what I imagined...well, I guess I hadn't let myself imagine it. And now I know why. But I am so grateful that I was able to have a vaginal delivery. The contractions were definitely awful and I didn't enjoy not being able to move my legs after the epidural, but after 8-10 hours of labor without pain medication I was so over that. And once they started the Pit my body was ready to take over, so even when they backed the meds down to give me a break I kept having intense contractions. I progressed double in the hour without Pit what I progressed in the 8 hours with it. That epidural was a Godsend. I did have them back down the amount of my medication though, because I couldn't stand not being able to move my legs, and decided that I would rather have a little more discomfort an the ability to move. At the end though...wow. It was hard to back up my previous decision. The epidural was working wonderfully on my right side but my left side had feeling, and feeling sucked. But I made it through it, and somehow managed to make it through my contractions and push him out. I thank my husband and mother for that, because they were able to keep me focused on something other than the considerable pain, even if it was just my breathing. And they were both with me. It was amazing how quickly things progressed. Less than 24 hours after being induced my son was born, at exactly 1730. But they checked me, said I was at an 8-9, immediately reached for the water breaking stick, and I was complete as soon as  it broke. Things went very quickly from there, although I did have many severe contractions before I was allowed to push. I think I pushed through six-ish contractions, three pushes each.

I have to say, feeling the head coming down was a singular experience, and then my little linebacker decided to come out with both of his shoulders at the same time, which felt like pushing out another head. *TMI Warning* I tore on both sides getting this little guy out. He wasn't put immediately on my chest, like I had hoped for, but in the moment I was glad of it, because I was still in quite a bit of pain and because of my double tear and something having to do with clotting the doctors spent quite a bit of time between my knees after the birth. *TMI Warning* He came out with a splash. The catching doctor was fairly covered, which isn't really surprising considering how much amniotic fluid I had. I continued to have contractions afterwards, and then just cramps, I guess. I was able to hold him as soon as he was wrapped up, and managed for quite a while, but I was very pleased that he was content to be passed from family member to family member for a while, because I was in too much pain to enjoy holding him, and therefore didn't want to.

So now he's here, sleeping in his rolling bed next to me. I am waiting for David to come back to attempt to breastfeed, as I didn't want to wake Hunter up without some back-up. And here is so, so here I go! I can't believe this little guy is mine!

And the survey says..!

Baby boy, 7lbs 6 oz, 19". Very healthy, VERY active. 

Off to Neverland...

Chelsey is relaxing and catching much deserved sleep again after having her epidural medication weened a little. She did feel some discomfort about 20 minutes after the reduction, but not enough to stop her from getting a 2nd dose of much needed rest. She still cant feel her legs at all, but she is in high spirits having been able to rest already once today.

No Pain No Gain

Chelsey has asked the anesthesiologist to actually lessen the epidural medication so that she can have some feeling (her legs are COMPLETELY numb. But the anesthesiologist made the call to slowly take her down so that she doesnt drop too far and start feeling the pain from the more intense contractions that are still 2-4 minutes apart once the pitocin was started again. But all is well and we are just all anxiously awaiting the big moment to start happening.

...Afternoon Delight

So after both mommy (and daddy) enjoyed a nap while grandma's were out getting St Louis Bread Co (You're awesome mom), Hunter managed to progress ever so slightly. He is now a solid 6cm, 90% effaced, and only a -1 station. So definitely progress. They haven't broken the water yet since the doc can still feel hunter's head move (which isnt safe since the cord could drop into the area first). But both grandma's and Rachael are here right now giving Chelsey lots of love and support. Hopefully Hunter steps up his game and makes a leap from 6cm to like... say... 10... and 100% effaced and ready to POP... How's that sound Hunter? Well, (its also an order so :-P )

Bring on the relief

Chelsey is now able to more comfortably relax now that the epidural is in. She is still feeling the contractions, but it is a lot less than what it was earlier in the evening. And the staff here is talking about breaking her water soon (as well as get the pain better managed)

Morning Update

Well, we were just visited by the morning on-call Doc who went ahead and checked to see where Chelsey was and he says that she is now 4cm dilated, 80% effecated, and at between -1 and -2 for how close the baby is to the cervix. She has been given the go-ahead to receive the epidural so they are prepping her with fluids and everything. Hopefully it will take the edge off more than the Stadol did but still progress the induction

Dilation

Chelsey is currently dilated to 3 and since she hasnt progressed yet, the nurse went ahead and eased her off the pitocin so that the contractions would come less frequently (since the body can get used to them which can hinder progression). This will also allow her to eat here in about an hour which should be enough time to stave off the contractions. She has been a real champ through all of this

Further Along

Well, things have slowed down a hence the lack of updates. Chelsey did get started on Stadol due to the intense contractions she was feeling. She has also been slowly upped every 30 min until she got to 20mL of the pitocin. Unfortunately with the progression of the pregnancy and the inducing, sleep really isn't an option any more for her, despite being exhausted.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Evolution of Induction

So in reflection on how tonight was going to play out, Hunter decided to keep everyone on their toes and set everyone to HIS schedule. Essentially we were expecting to come in, Chelsey was to get the Citotec and then wait 6 hours before any kind of further progression. However, from the moment the 3rd year Resident checked how she was doing, he immediately progressed her to the Pitocin/Oxytocin which from my understanding now helps create more contractions regularly and to intensive them which means a progression. So far she has already been upped from 1mL to 7 (and can go as high as 20 if need be). The contractions as of right now are 2-4 minutes apart and are increasing more steadily throughout the night. I will say from my own personal observation, if I was constantly pushing a 130-176 heartrate all the time like Hunter is, I would be the best athlete the world has ever seen.  Chelsey has adjusted to lay on her side to be more comfortable, but with her ever increasing progression, they dont expect her to get much sleep if any (which she isnt crazy about. lol) But everything is looking great and we are just counting down the time till Hunter graces us with his worldwide debut.

Contractions

Well, she just finished off her first set of antibiotics that will help Hunter and the attending nurse told us that Chelsey is having regular contractions every 2-4 minutes.

More peeps.

Just met with the Chief resident on staff tonight (they are the top dog of the residence medical personnel). Only people above her are the Low Risk Doctor who is in-house tonight, and the High Risk doc who is on call (at home).

Updates

So i( David) will likely be doing the updates since the penicillin and all the other induction IVs cause Chelsey to have painful burning sensations. So far the nurse and the 2yr Resident say that everything looks great (as noted by the earlier post). We are still hopeful for a 24 hour turnaround time and have hunter with us by tomorrow night. (Fingers crossed)

Go for Induction

I am at the hospital! They just started the pitocin. When they checked me I was 60% effaced and 2.5cm dilated, so they skipped the cervadil type medicine and went right to the pit. Lucky me! Now it's just a waiting game. Time to try to get some sleep, but I will be keeping the blog as updated as possible so that people can come here instead of FB, since not everyone on FB will be interested in my labor. 

Thanks for all the well wishes everyone!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Growth Spurt!

My baby has grown 30% in the past month. Not only has he grown in general, to a whopping 7lbs, 9oz, but he has gone from a steady 55th percentile to being in the 85th percentile now. So my doctor has moved up my induction to the night of the 22nd. We could also see plenty of breathing on the ultrasound, so I imagine they aren't terribly worried about his lungs maturity. So that means in 9 days I'm going to have a son! David is arriving on the 21st, so we are going to have less than two full days before Hunter comes into the world. I can't believe it's so soon! Before I know it I'm going to be walking into the hospital, crawling into a hospital bed, and having a baby. All of a sudden the days will have passed and it's going to be delivery day. Holy wowzers.

I have pictures to post, but I'm not sure where the camera has made it to. Now I'm going to write thank you notes for my baby showers. I was able to get a lot done to clear off my floor while Zach was here. One closet has been emptied and partially filled. Now I just need to get the other closet emptied so my wardrobe and boxes have somewhere to go. And then things will be pretty ready. I need to pick up some storage baskets, but other than that things are coming together. It's exciting! I can't wait to have my boys here with me, finally! I wish I had more exciting things to talk about, but I'm really just doing normal day to day stuff to get ready for the baby.

My ankles and feet are so super swollen. I'm been having problems with my right ankle around my scar. Whatever underlying problems with the tissue have remained after I broke it are much more obvious and sensitive now. I'm going to have to have someone take a look at it after the baby has come. I had my PCM in Colorado look at it, but he did a preliminary physical examination and dismissed the whole thing. There weren't x-rays or anything, so I have no idea how he came to the conclusion that nothing was wrong. I'm in pain, obviously something is wrong. But at this point I'm just complaining, and if I want to complain about pain I'll go off on my upper abdominal pancreatic pain. Because that is hurting like the dickens right now. My pain medications don't help much and the Ambien apparently hasn't kicked in yet. Ok, holy crap, it's really hurting, I'm going to wrap this up now so I don't keep going on about how much I hurt. Hopefully after the baby is born the pain will be lessened. I can only hope.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Birth Plan and Bags Packed

Oh my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

Well, my bags are mostly packed, I suppose. I have two bags packed, although not the way it is suggested to pack them in my books and classes. I don't have one bag for labor and one for post-partum, I just have two bags packed the ways things fit in them. In my blue, suitcase type bag I have all of my clothing items, including my robe, slippers, nursing bra, and going home outfits for myself and Hunter. I still need to pick his out. Mine was easier. I also have massage tools and lotion. All of my toiletries are also packed in that bag. I have a white, canvas tote that contains my paperwork, which includes all of my lamaze handouts, my birth plan, and meditation exercises for my mother to read to me. I'm also packing a bunch of magazines and "the Nursing Mother's Companion." Items that are unable to be packed in advance will be put in the white bag, including my laptop and whatever book I'm reading at the time. Other items that will need to be grabbed at the last minute are my toothbrush, camera, pillows, and labor ball. 


My birth "plan" is more along the lines of my birth "preferences." The more detailed your plan the more opportunities you have to be disappointed, so I'm trying to keep it pretty basic. And everything depends on what I want in labor, which I think is impossible to predict before it happens. Here it goes. 



  • I want to bring my own pillows and music.
  • I want to be able to use a birthing ball
Ok, I just woke up. I fell asleep with the lights on sitting on my bed. I even fall asleep while typing  couple of times so that I had long repeats of certain keys and some very upset kids. And yes, I realize what I just wrote. I'm leaving it that way because I have no idea why I wrote it, it's a testament to how very tired I am and the fact that I've had to take more pain meds than usual due to this pancreas crud. Anyway, I meant to say that I couldn't type. My Army Wives episode was over without me remembering it. Anyway, so I'll finish this is in the morning.                                                                   

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Time to pack?

Mom suggested yesterday or the day before that I pack my hospital bag. And my immediate reaction was, "Already?" And yes, already. I was 35 weeks yesterday (I'm technically writing this Monday but in my head it's still Sunday). So that means 4-5 weeks left. Although David's leave has been a complete mess. We still have no idea when he'll make it home, and his chain of command up through brigade level is working on getting him home at the right time. We'll just have to see how it goes. But Mom and Dad are going out of town for over a week at the beginning of October, and Mom thinks it would be a good idea to be prepared in the event that I go into labor while they're out of town. Which would certainly be early, but it happens. So since I'm in the process of getting my room clean and organized I will work on that when I find the papers I got during my birthing class.

Great news today is that I got a wardrobe! I can finally put all of my clothes away! It was impossible for me to get everything put away before because my clothes simply did not fit in my dresser. I kept having to move my pile of coats around because there was certainly nowhere to put them. But Mom bought me the wardrobe today, and we're still working on moving boxes and making more room. She also bought me a Diaper Genie Elite II, because it was $10 off. She does a lot of stuff like that for me when we're out shopping. I'd gladly split our purchases, but she just takes care of it. She's done that with little random things, but also with things like my car seat. I just hope I thank her enough.

 I'm so grateful for the extra time I've gotten with my parents. I should try to spend more time with my dad, but my mom has become my best friend. I talk to her about everything and do so much with her. I love doing the puzzles in the paper with her, that's become somewhat of a tradition on the weekends now. And going to church. And going to the zoo. And doing just about everything else. I feel like I've been given the chance to develop a better relationship with her than I ever had before, because when I was a teen we butted heads a lot and then I moved away when I got married. When I lived here during David's last deployment I spent the majority of my time out with other friends. This time I'm much more of a homebody. And I really do thank God for the opportunity that David's deployment and my illness have given to spend with my parents. Especially my mom. My dad and I have always been close, but my mom and I really needed this time together, I think. We've been able to grow a lot closer. I'm going to really miss them when I have to move back to Colorado. At least that's five months from now. And she's going to come out with me for a couple of weeks to help me with the house before David gets home. After that we'll just have to visit a lot.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Fun Times

Today I spent a good chunk of the morning solving the crossword puzzle in the paper with my mom. I went through and did everything I could, then she went through and got what she could, and then we did the rest together. We had a blast. I hope to do it again sometime, and I'll miss these opportunities when I move back to Colorado.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Childbirth Education Classes

This Tuesday was my third childbirth education class. I've been taking them with my mother, and while a lot of the information isn't new to me at all, it's still a good experience. I've been learning about pregnancy, labor, and baby care for so many years now that it's hard to find anything I haven't already read about, which just comes with the territory of having been trying to have a successful pregnancy for so long. But I find value in different styles of learning, not only is it helpful to have information presented in more than one way, but going through it with my mother, who is my birth coach, is also very helpful. Things like breathing exercises and the interaction with other moms-to-be is also worthwhile.

Nothing about the classes is extremely remarkable, really, so I haven't been bothering to blog anything about them, however at the beginning of each one of our classes we start by playing a game. There will be four classes total, and as I said before, we've so far been to three. And my mom and I have so far won every single game, to the point now of being comical. The first class we played bingo, and were given sheets with things like, "Having a boy," "Having a girl," "Is nervous about birth," "Isn't finding out the gender," "Has already bought baby clothes," etc. and was meant as a get to know you exercise because we had to talk to everyone in the class and put their names down to get bingo, and each person could only be used once in your bingo row. Well that was easy. So I won a book.

At the second class we played a word find, with ten words that were all signs of labor, such as contractions, nausea, show (for bloody show), and rupture of membranes. We were not given a list of words, we had to both think of them and find them. Well, my vocabulary skills, especially when it comes to stuff like this (like I said, I've been reading way too much about it for way too long), are very good, so we won that game easily as well.

And this past class we had to do a word scramble. There were fifteen different labor soothing techniques scrambled, such as music, pressure, shower, and encouragement. Some of the boxes were numbered and you won the game by deciphering the phrase at the end using the letters from the boxes in order. Not only were the words themselves relatively easy, but Mom and I know how to play the game, and before we had finished unscrambling all of the words we started putting letters we knew into boxes, and technically had the winning phrase a good ten minutes before anyone else. But we spent another five unscrambling all the words to give the others a fair shot. And then we sat there exchanging amused glances and trying not to giggle too much as we waited another five minutes for someone else to declare that they had it, because quite frankly it just seemed wrong to win the game every week. What made it so amusing this week was that it wasn't even close. We had the answer a solid ten minutes before anyone else, tried to buy them time, and still wound up sitting there waiting on them. Apart from the insinuations of our giggles though, we didn't let on to anyone that we'd thrown the game. Apparently Mom and I are a good team though, who'd of thunk? Lol.

I really do love my mom. The older that I've gotten and the more time I've gotten to spend with my parents since I grew up and moved away, the more I've realized that I have absolutely amazing parents. Not everyone is so lucky as I am. I had a wonderful childhood and lacked for nothing. And while I was certainly given a fair share a material things, what I value the most are the experiences I was given, such as riding lessons, piano lessons, and trips to cool places, and even more so than that, the unconditional love I've been given every second of my life. Even now my parent are there for me, no matter what, no matter when. When I needed help in Colorado, they were there. And when I was too sick to take care of myself they welcomed me back into their home without a moments pause, even with my animals. Not only am I lucky to have parents willing to make those kinds of offers and sacrifices, I'm lucky to have parents that I want to be around. Not everyone has parents that they would be willing to live with again. Not everyone has the same kind of relationship with their parents as I do. And I really feel sorry for the people who don't. My parents have become some of my best friends. I can talk to either one of them about anything, rely on them for anything, and get honest opinions from when I need advice.

I'm proud of them, proud to call them my parents. Because I couldn't ask for better. I hope that I can make them proud too. Luckily for me, I know they would say that I already do. Because they love me, and I never have any doubts about that. My aspiration is to give my son as wonderful a life and love as my parents gave me.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Big baby belly

Well, for starters morning sickness bites. But at least it goes away now and I'm not spending the entire day vomiting, culminating in a hospital visit. So vast improvement. Still sucks though.

I need to take some new pictures, but my belly feels huge! I doubt it looks as big as it feels, but especially with his head pushing against my ribs....oh....big baby. He needs to start pushing out instead of into me! Sometimes it just hurts. My chiropractor has to keep adjusting the ribs on my right side because Hunter has apparently decided I don't need the one that came from Adam. And his butt and feet...he loves to stick those out down near my left hip bones, and let me tell you, that can be extremely uncomfortable (i.e. painful) too. He's probably about four pounds now and the idea of him adding an extra two or three is almost miserable.

His movements are entirely unpredictable. I had several days when he would not stop moving. It was a pushing, bumping, rolling experience all the time. Then came a day or two of just about nothing. Now he's started with more moderate movement again. My hypothesis is that he was cramped, slowed down so he could have a growth spurt, and any day now I'm going to pop out some more. But maybe I already have, that belly in the mirror sure looks bigger, even though at this point I feel about the same size. I feel big, certainly, but my basketball hasn't turned into a watermelon or anything.

I bought a rocking chair and ottoman a couple of months ago, now I'm itching to put it together, but there's not room in my room yet, and adding it just for the sake of adding it will just take up valuable floor space at this point. Time to get moving on moving these boxes out! If only they had a place to go. But you know how it goes, to move item 1 you have to move item 2 out of the way, but item 3 is in the way of item 2, and item 4 is in the way of item 5...

David is supposed to be home at an undisclosed date in October. I say undisclosed because the Army keeps moving it so that the "enemy" can't predict their flights. However, the date keeps getting moved up. A boon in any other situation, NOT when you're trying to have a baby induced around leave dates. We went from things most likely being able to progress on their own, to needing to induce late in my 39th week, to needing to induce late in my 38th week, to needing to induce in the middle of my 38th week. Could the military PLEASE stop while it's ahead? My doctors are understanding of my predicament, but geez guys. I'm not willing to have this baby with less than a week before he has to go back, and I am certainly not willing to be in the hospital again when he leaves. So thus the date gets moved up. So I guess we're currently at (according to my approximations) 44 days till the little guy arrives. Let's just hope the doctors are agreeable to that too. I might have more bargaining power if he refuses to turn. I know that everyone says he still has plenty of time, but so far he's been in one position and seems to enjoy it very much. We'll see how stubborn he is.

Last but not least, I have an ultrasound next Tuesday! Yay!

I've been doing my best not to comment on what I've come to think of as mother-put-down syndrome. Today I succeeded. Next time I might not. Just warning ya!

Monday, August 30, 2010

First bit of nesting

Yesterday I spent a good chunk of time going through all the baby clothes I've been given and sorting them into boxes by size. I got a bunch of stuff from my grandmother when we went to visit and all of that needed to be put away instead of staying the the big plastic bag we brought it all home in. There's definitely more on my project list, but these things have to be taken step by step, and I'm not quite at the steps I would like to be (i.e. the ones that are fun or involve buying new things). I was able to get my books on a shelf (which involved emptying a shelf) and got all of my clothes put away, which means, of course, I did laundry the next day and now have even more to put away. I don't have a closet, so I'm considering getting one of those clothing racks. I need to get the desk emptied (at least the top) and moved so that I can put the changing table and a set of drawers for Hunter's clothes on top. It's hard to believe I'm entering my eighth month. Time is going to fly by before I know it.

In health news, I threw up for the first time in ages today. I was feeling a little queasy before breakfast, but it stayed down. However, as soon as I took the one swallow of water it took to take my pills everything went bad. All of the pills came up and I had to retake them. And my side pain has made its own resurgence. Which is why I'm updating my blog - I'm giving the pain medication time to kick in so that *hopefully* I can go outside and mow. Which happens to be one of my favorite chores. Yep, that's right. I love mowing the lawn. Riding mower, push mower, weed whacker, trimming, doesn't matter. I love the instant gratification of cutting grass. Somehow mentioning that made me remember I need to get some pictures printed and vacuum my room. Crazy how the brain makes connections sometimes.

One thing that has definitely changed with pregnancy is my bedtime. I was always a night owl, and could push past the sleepy feeling into a sleep-deprived high that kept me going without a lot of trouble. Now, anytime between 8:30 and midnight I'm off to bed. And I rarely drag it out. I decide I'm tired, I change clothes, brush my teeth, and then I'm in bed with the lights out dozing off within ten minutes of deciding it was bedtime. And staying up until midnight is pushing it. The only reason I was up that late last night is because I was pushing myself to stay awake to finish True Grit with my parents. On a side note, John Wayne rocks. And I considered turning in halfway through the movie, but I stuck it out. It took effort though. And even though I budget time for a healthy amount of sleep (usually nine hours), when my alarm went off this morning I ignored it and slept for another two hours. Mostly because I didn't have anything to do until noon and when my body wants to sleep I'm usually more than happy to oblige. If it says it needs extra sleep I believe it. And I figure that, not only is it good to get as much rest and enjoyment out of sleeping as I can before the baby comes, it will also be good to be on an earlier schedule before then too.

Well, the meds seem to have worked some magic, so I'm going to try to get up and do something (like mowing). And this post is now plenty long and I've managed to talk about what is mostly a whole lot of nothing. I'm good at that. Just ask my nail tech.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Shannon's Post

I am in the hospital again! But this time not related to the chronic problems, I'd been having severe pain right beneath my sternum on and off with certain movements for a couple of weeks, and it started lasting longer, and because we thought it might be pancreatitis we went ahead to the hospital. They've speculated that I tore or strained an abdominal muscle, one of the ones that is supposed to stretch with the baby. I've been here for almost a week now, and just last night they took me off iv narcotics and gave me a lidocaine patch. I was skeptical at first, but while the pain wasn't eliminated completely, I felt so much better than on the pain meds. They are going to let me go home tomorrow so I can follow up with specialists as an out-patient.

Everyone here has been really great. All of nurses have been fantastic. Today was craft day, which one of the charge nurses hosts. I made a lovely pillow. It was actually really easy. And it turns out my mom knows a lot about sewing, so I might be able to convince her to pull out the sewing machine she hasn't used in twenty years and do some projects with me.


Hunter is doing well, though I've been having a lot of contractions. I'm on non-official partial bed rest while I'm here. My nurse doesn't want me doing too much walking around so I don't stimulate more. I'm also on Procardia for the same reason. He is kicking up a storm! My dad got to feel him yesterday, and you can see him moving through my shirt for sure. He's going to be a wild one! I can't wait to meet him. He is so funny, he aims for the stethoscope or monitor whenever either is put on my belly. I'm pretty sure he's more breech now, but I can't really feel where he is through my belly yet to be sure. I wonder how much I'll have popped in another 8 weeks. I'm still pretty small now. He weighs over 3lbs though, so he's right on track, and so are my measurements. Only another two months! It feels like forever, but it will fly by. It's hard to believe that I'm having a baby of my very own. Maybe when he's in my arms it will feel real.


30 weeks!

Monday, August 2, 2010

Double Digits!

It took me completely by surprise today when David reminded me that we are officially into double digits on our baby countdown. And Hunter will probably arrive at least a week before that, possibly earlier. Instead of 89 days we're closer to 79. Wow. 79 days of being beaten from the inside. This boy is active! Except, of course, when I'm trying to let someone feel him.

Oooohhh....nausea attack. Time to get away from the computer.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Braxton Hicks

Contractions are here! They've been here for about two weeks, but today was the first day I was sure that's what they were. And now he's kicking the crap out of me, so I'm reclining in an attempt to not have to suffer through any more of it.

Not eating is strange. I could eat jello, and there's lots to drink, but it's not the same. I like food. And I still get hungry. This white stuff doesn't do anything for my empty stomach. But supposedly after a couple of days I won't feel hungry anymore.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Wowzers!

Less than a week until my seventh month and my third trimester! He moves all the time now, sometimes at inconvenient times. :-) I wish David was here to feel it. I'm hoping that my dad will catch it next. So far only Mom and Rachael have been able to feel him. And he's big enough now that I feel like I can't really empty my bladder. I just expect to feel less full after I'm done and there's a baby there so I always feel full now! I've really started showing now. My complaint of a week or two ago is almost irrelevant. I still don't look huge, but you would have to try really hard to miss my belly. He's also breech again. Figures. Still plenty of time to flip around, this is the time for acrobatics, after all.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

And another thing...

Hunter is no longer breech! Yay! Let's hope he stays that way. I'm guessing he flipped right around the time I started commenting that his movements felt different. So about a week ago.

Who knew being small sucked?

The next person who tells me how small I look is going to hear me scream. Because they don't mean a good small, they mean my belly is too small to be 24 weeks. I had a random woman in a waiting room tell me that today. And she's not the first. Today was the first day I haven't taken it in good humor though. Because it's none of this person's business that my child is measuring fine, above the 50th percentile, heavier than the online averages I've found, he moves like crazy, and my brother and I were both in the 7lb range. My hips are 15 inches apart people! Just how big do you think this baby is gonna get? I am not going to have a 90th percentile baby. It's also no one's business that I've lost twenty pounds and been coping with hyperemesis my entire pregnancy. Yes, thank you, I'm dealing with some weight management issues. Thank you for drawing attention to my small belly, because I haven't already stressed enough over whether I've been able to provide my baby with enough nourishment. I don't compare myself to my friends and worry over whether our size difference means anything is wrong enough already.

Am I worrying myself to death? No. Does the thought cross my mind? Absolutely. And I was very aware that it took me a lot longer to show than my pregnant friends, and I still don't look close to as pregnant as they do in the same weeks. It doesn't help that I am 10 times more likely to keep down pizza than I am a fruit or vegetable. Seriously. Fruits and vegetables make me sick. Figure that one out and I'll give you a prize. I'm serious about that too. But I have a LOT of pregnant friends. And as much as we can try to keep mommy competitiveness down, it creeps out. And I have a lot of big bellies to compare too. For once I would love for someone to comment on my pregnancy without commenting on how small my belly is. Of all the things that I want to be small, my belly is not it. Just because I know that Hunter is fine doesn't mean that I want to be reminded that I'm small. Maybe it's stupid, and like I said, I don't usually care, but it bothered me today. So there it is.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Antithesis

I don't even weigh 160 pounds now. Any other time of my life I would be thrilled to lose weight as often and as quickly as I lose it now, but it has never been a worse time not to be able to keep weight on. That means I lost at least 4 pounds since they weighed me in the hospital. Hunter continues to grow without concern, however, so nothing to do but eat. Darn.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Back in the Hospital

On Saturday morning, after suffering through the pain and vomiting all night, I went to the hospital again. I was admitted almost right away. They sent me to labor and delivery first, but now I'm somewhere more general. I've seen several different doctors, and I'm having lots of tests done, or at least the ones that can be done while I'm pregnant. The primary suspect, as I understand it, is sphincter of oddi dysfunction, which can not be tested for or treated until Hunter is born. And I don't know what the plan is to get me through until then. I was really frustrated about that earlier, because the doctors will come talk to me but not tell me everything that they have planned, so then a nurse comes in and says, "Oh, we need blood, " or "Oh, I'm taking you for an EEG," and I have no idea what's going on or why we're doing these test. Maybe it's not that important that I understand why we're doing the tests or what the might show us, but it's really disconcerting as a patient to not know what the plan of action is. I don't like not knowing what's going on.

At the very least, they are running tests and they aren't really thinking about discharging me yet. One doctor came in and mentioned it, but I corrected her very quickly. I'm not going to let them send me home until I'm ready. I won't sign discharge papers or anything until I'm sure I can be ok at home. I'm not going home just to get sick again, not willingly anyway.

I really wish I had more positive baby stuff to post. Unfortunately, this is what my life revolves around. So this is what I have to write about. And since I don't have much release except venting my feelings here, here it comes out. I really hope that when all this is over I can be a more positive person. It's really hard to be positive sometimes.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Ultrasound, Appointment, and Electrotherapy

I had an appointment with my new doctor's office yesterday. I knew I was having an ultrasound, but I didn't know that they would be taking 3D pictures yet. It was really cool. In the 2D pics we could see his brain hemispheres, his heart chambers, his leg bones, his spine, and a whole lot of other things I really couldn't see. We definitely saw scrotum (as the u/s tech put it). And then there are the 3D pictures, which are absolutely amazing.

Afterwards, in my appointment, the NP I saw prescribed me this electrotherapy thing that goes on my wrist and sends pulses from my brain to my stomach to make it work right. Or something like that. I'm still waiting for insurance approval on that, so for the weekend I'm trying to make a similar device that my dad has work the same way. It's hard to tell if it's working or coincidence yet.

Without further ado, here is Hunter. He's weighing 1lb, 3oz and is in the 50th percentile for weight at his gestational age, which she said is good considering how sick I've been. I'm only in my 22nd week though, and what I read online indicates that he's heavier than the average 22 week baby just by being over a pound. Babies aren't exact though.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Pain

I really need a full night of rest. That would mean a break from this pain, which is absolutely incessant. Something always hurts. Eating makes me sick 95% of the time. So not only am I hungry all the time because I can't keep anything down, but I hurt more because of all the vomiting.

I weighed in at 161 today. Still 12lbs off of my pre-pregnancy weight, which, let's face it, I'm never going to reach. Ok, I might reach my pre-pregnancy weight, but nowhere close to where I should have been. Not that I'm really complaining about not ballooning. Honestly, dealing with the extra weight I'm already carrying is enough. I just worry about whether Hunter gets enough nourishment. This is a tough enough pregnancy and he's been exposed to meds that in a perfect world he wouldn't have been and I don't want there to be any other reasons for him to be low-birth weight or pre-term. As much as the thought of being pregnant for a day longer than I have to galls me (1.5 weeks until he's viable) I want everything to be perfect for him and it's going to be hard enough for me to take care of a baby without dealing with a premie who could need to be in the NICU. I know that, I tell myself that, but I still want this pregnancy over! I'm so thankful to have my family here. There's my side, who has no other grandchildren and therefore can liberally spend their free time helping me out (and of course, how else would they want to spend their time?), and David's side, where everyone has kids so my resource base is pretty much endless. The in-laws having a nursery will be extremely convenient when my brother has band practice. And my mom is actually changing her work plans so she'll have more time to help me out. Instead of working as an office manager this year she's only putting in as a tax preparer so her hours will be lessened and more flexible and she can take time off to help me move. I think I'm going to be quite spoiled by the time I move back to Colorado. I can only hope by then I'll be pain-free and will be able to expand my friend circle. I miss having Hedy and Kristin around the corner, like I miss having Sarah across the hall. It's a haul to get out here and most of my friends are on tight budgets, so driving out to see me all the time gets expensive.

I'm wondering if it's normal to feel uncomfortable around other people's kids. I'm perfectly alright babysitting, and I was fine working at the daycare, but when the parents are standing right there I feel awkward engaging too much with their children. Even Becca, especially since we aren't around to have gotten to know her very well. I don't know what she likes, if she'll like me, what if I do something Jennie doesn't like? Maybe I'm really just afraid of doing the wrong thing and would prefer not to have witnesses to my mistakes. Hmm. Hopefully I won't be so shy with my own baby.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

An Appointment

I finally got an appointment made. Instead of worrying about my records with Dr. Hucker I called Dr. Chadwick's office and was given an appointment on July 1st. Yay! I wish I'd just done that in the first place. I'll have an ultrasound that day too.

I feel like getting ice cream.  Gator's bound!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Bump Bump

Hunter has been kicking almost non-stop today. Maybe it's the weather, or maybe he's rocking out after listening to Will's band earlier today. They have this really great song that is yet nameless. I enjoy them much more in person, I have a hard time listening to recorded screaming. They're really good though.

I am going totally crazy adding things to my baby registry at BabiesRUs because you get that discount right before your baby arrives on anything left in your registry, and the more I add the more I will get a discount on if I choose to purchase it later. Still, I registered for a lot of doubles. I need to clean it up a bit. And on a lot of things I'm really not picky. A cloth diaper is a cloth diaper. I wish I could just write cloth diapers without picking a brand. Oh well.

Tomorrow is Father's Day!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Illinois

I am home! I left last...Saturday. Friday. Saturday. Yes. I got in Sunday evening. The drive wasn't that bad. I left about midnight on Saturday and drove a solid half before stopping for a nap. I only slept for an hour and a half or so but it gave me the second wind to get through the next 7 hours. Overall it took about 14 hours of driving. Not too bad, considering I do not speed. The pets did exceptionally well. Now I just need to find homes for the two cats that are currently locked in a room downstairs so that no one can accidentally let them out. Integrating the dogs hasn't been going extremely well, but we're working on it. Hopefully they'll start to get along soon.

I did my first load of baby laundry. I was going through my bag of baby stuff and found urine on the collar of the overall set I got at Disney World. Obviously I wasn't happy, but it washed out perfectly well, and I washed everything else Mom and I had because why not? I have several blankets, an assortment of clothes, some toys, and some diapers and wipes. I've ordered a Bundle Me from BabiesRUs because they're on sale. I also got a bunch of baby shower gifts. I picked up quite a bit for Hedy and Ryan, kind of as a thank you for watching our pets. I also got a couple things for Jessica so I'm prepared for her shower. I got a couple other things for Hunter, but I don't remember what they are off hand. Some more clothing, I think, and maybe some towels? They were all in the clearance section, that's the only place I've been shopping for myself yet. I actually got him a Christmas onesie because it was half off and I'll only wind up buying something at Christmas is I don't get it on sale now. 

Registry links, for anyone who is interested:

Kaboodle Baby Registry I LOVE Kaboodle. I can rank my picks and include anything from any site. There are quite a few things on this list that are available only online, and not from BabiesRUs or any of the major chains, so please, if you're thinking about purchasing something online, take a look at this registry and some of the neat stuff available off the beaten path.


Friday, June 11, 2010

What a day!

As everyone is aware I've been attempting to leave. Today is the last day. I had a doctor's appointment and received a referral to Barnes in St. Louis. I got all of the issues with David's car taken care of. I jumped the dead battery, filled the empty tire, jumped the dead-yet-again battery, put in gas, and gave it a bath. You wouldn't guess it's the same car, it looked that bad when we started. And when I got home from all of that I stepped out of the car to a rain of feathers. I looked up, expecting to see a bird molting. Instead it was a hawk picking its kill clean. Fun. The last of the laundry is done, the car is mostly packed. I need to collect the trash and recycling, and Carrie has said she'll put it out for me next week. The bathroom should be scrubbed a bit, to be on the safe side, as should the counters. I need to throw out the perishable food. The Jeep should probably get an oil change, if I can manage it, but that will depend on when I decide to leave. Otherwise I'll compensate when I get to Illinois. I might sweep. I need to empty the litter boxes. I really need to stop messing around on the computer and do these things, but this won't take that long.

I don't have that much room left in Tonks. Necessity is requiring that I travel extremely light, because the dogs will take up the majority of the backseat and the cats are traveling in a dog kennel that take up the majority of the trunk. I have some room to pack in on top of the kennel, but I would much prefer to leave that space empty. So that leaves me with the passenger seat and whatever space I can take on the floor and around the dogs. I'm more worried about forgetting something important than anything. Baby Stuff. Boots for David. Tv and xbox and bag of stuff to mail to David. I should crawl into the attic and grab the box for the tv. I need to gather shoes and toiletries. And yes, I will be referring back to this blog to remember everything. The steady stream of free thought is actually helping me think of things.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Good day!

I had an amazingly good day today. I was able to go to Wal-Mart and WALK my shopping. I went to Best Buy, BabiesRUs, Auto Zone, and the car wash too. And I've been able to do laundry and trash. Big steps closer to being able to leave. I have a last minute appointment with my pain doc on Friday and with luck I can leave afterwards. I should have plenty of time to get ready tomorrow.

In baby news, my belly feels huge but it doesn't look as big as it feels. I can definitely feel Hunter move. I'm going to have to get used to using a name instead of "the baby." I don't know how anyone mistakes this for anything other than baby movement, because the feeling is entirely distinct. I bought a belly support band thingy today though, on the off chance it might help one of the aches I have. Everything feels big and uncomfortable though. I can still sleep without inconvenience though, by which I mean my half side/stomach position has been working. Don't worry, I know the huge is still to come. My friend Hedy is all baby belly and she looks humongous. She's less than a month from delivery, so there's still some time for that to come, but who knew a baby would take up so much room? I'm ready for it to be over now, so I can go to Cleveland. Maybe with luck I'll have another good summer. I could appreciate that very a lot (she put out to any stray gods paying attention). But whenever I get optimistic I have another bad day and the dream is deflated. Still, close now. Every day is one day closer.

Oh, and Hunter is breech, which means nothing at this point. I am curious though, as I was breech and had to be turned and both my mom and my uncle were breech, so there seems to be some sort of a family trend. Plenty of time to turn still, although if he doesn't much better that we're planning a c-section because we know we need one than suffer through hours of labor and need one then.

It's a boy!

And apparently it's really obvious. There was no doubt there, and I asked.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

I hate thinking up titles

I weigh 157! That means I've gained 4lbs, though I have about a 5lb fluctuation, so I guess I'll have to hope it's a trend. Baby is getting bigger! I've had the inkling that I was going to pop soon for a little while now, I just didn't know if I was interpreting how I felt correctly. But I was right, my uterus is huge and the baby definitely shows now. I can feel movement sometime too. It's pretty cool.

I have been extra nauseous lately. I don't know what's up with that. And it lasts all day. I'm cautious about eating because I have no idea what will stay down. Last night I threw up all liquids, so everything is game. It can stop any time now.

I'm several steps closer to being able to leave. I have several calls that still need to be made (or I left a message). I'm slowly collecting everything that will be packed. Very slowly. I'm doing the bare minimum possible to get out of here. Everything is pretty much going to stay the way it is, for better or worse, dirty or clean. Anything that would cause problems by being left to sit will be dealt with, but nothing else is important enough to fret over. I can sweep my floors when I get back. If I was capable of doing it now I wouldn't have to move in the first place. And I'm packing the bare minimum. Anything that can be replaced in Illinois will be. I'm not going to bother bringing it. Not worth worrying over. This is roughly the equivalent of packing your car while fleeing a volcano. Luckily enough my stuff will be here when I get back. At this point I need to pack clothes for David, empty the fridge and the pantry of everything perishable, and get the trash out, which means collecting it from various trash cans and surfaces. And then packing the car, once I hear from Marla, one way or another, and hitting the road. Could be any time then. I've only been saying that for weeks, I hope it's soon now.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Growing Pains

There's definitely something in my belly. And contrary to how I feel when I'm naked and lying down, when I'm wearing a form fitting shirt you can definitely tell. I guess I should take a picture. I'll have someone do that when I get to Illinois.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Registry

What is up with the BabiesRUs Registry? Whenever I try to register it tells me the registry is unavailable. And last time I was in the store it was down there too. But I called customer service and they didn't seem to know anything about a problem.

In other news I am BORED. My belly feels really bloated now. The days have been getting progressively better, but it was less than a week ago that I had a really bad day out of the blue, so I can't count on anything. I just need to know about the pets! As soon as those arrangements are in place I am out of here! Give me two days! I'm hungry and I'm out of milk. That's all I've really been wanting. Except that I'm also hungry, and nothing sounds appetizing. Light, gourmet-ish food. Which would be FINE if I could cook. Ugh. Maybe I can make a trip to the 7-11. Do they sell milk there?

Monday, May 24, 2010

Vroom

I went to Karen's today! This is extremely exciting, I usually am not up for going anywhere. I'm still not able to go shopping or do much around the house. It still hurts like hell. It just doesn't hurt when I don't move around, and if I can make it to the car I can generally manage to get through the pain of getting where I can sit again. It's harder with things like watering the garden. I have to mess with the hose (which is heavy) and walk and then STAND. And it doesn't just hurt on my right side, although that's the worst of it, but my left side hurts sometimes, and so does my lower abdomen. Something is always bound to be hurting. If only it weren't so damn SHARP!

I want to move home with my parents. The unfortunate part of that decision is that I'm probably going to have to give away our cats. There just isn't anyone to take care of four cats and paying someone would bankrupt us. I know well enough to choose my health and the baby over my pets, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'm going to cry a lot over it. But ultimately, with my pain continuing, I need to be looked after and I can't have that alone in Colorado. And when the baby comes I need to be sure that I have the help I need because I will still be in pain after the baby is born and I have no idea how much I'll be able to do for myself. If the status quo remains I just can't stay here. It's gonna be really hard though. To give them away knowing that I won't be coming home to them. It hurts. And it's not fair. I have no idea whether I could manage them all, and the house, if I was healthy. But the point is that I'm not, and you have to deal with the hand you're dealt.

As far as I know the baby is fine. The soonest appointments available aren't for more than two weeks out, so it will be a little while before I have any news, but chances are that news will include gender!

I hurt. I'm signing off.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Most Recent Appointment

Heard the heartbeat again! That was about the entirety of the appointment. I've lost even more weight. I was hoping that I would have at least have stayed even, and I was really hoping that I would gain the weight back that I lost while I was in Florida. I mean, I didn't walk, we rented a wheelchair, and I ate as much as I could. And I still lost weight. And I haven't been able to keep anything down today, and next to nothing yesterday. Everything I've tried to eat or drink has come back up. It makes me thankful for my lactated ringers, because otherwise I would get completely dehydrated.

I had to go to the ER today. They "stabilized" me, but before I even got home my back had started hurting again and I threw up as soon as I walked in the door. Grrr. I just want to feel decent all the time, like everyone else.

The appointment to determine the baby's gender will be in 4 weeks, although I may go in to that private clinic earlier than that. They say I can come in as early as 18 weeks, which is a little earlier than 4 weeks, and David and the rest of the family could watch the ultrasound with me.

It's time to go back to sleep.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A jumble of decisions

First, I'm trying to decide whether to keep the title of this blog (and the address) as Baby Entropy or to change it back to Big Mac Baby. I changed it when David and I were going through our rough spot and I wasn't sure whether it was going to be a Big Mac Baby. And now I'm undecided about changing it back. On the one hand, Baby Entropy is what my parents called me when I was little, but Big Mac Baby is more distinguishable as our family.

Second, I'm torn between three different crib bedding sets. I thought it was just two, Lambs and Ivy Enchanted Forest and Forest Friends by Carters. But then, in looking at accessories I found another set very similar to Forest Friends called Tree Tops. I'm inclined away from Enchanted Forest because it is a six piece set, and I don't need a diaper stacker. Tree Tops is only acceptable for a boy, in my eyes. Both the Forest Friends and Tree Tops have blankets that look suitable for when we've converted the crib to a toddler bed, whereas Enchanted Forest's seems a little on the small side. But blankets I will have in abundance, I already have three, plus the one that come with the bedding set, plus any that I make. Forest Friends and Tree Tops being so similar they will probably have interchangeable extra pieces, which makes the decision easier in some respects, but also doesn't lend itself to helping me choose one over the other. They're all so cute! I cannot choose! I'm considering purchasing two so I can see them in person and then returning one. Luckily I have quite a bit of time before I even need to start a formal registry. For the time being I'm just keeping a list for myself.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Stroller Pick

I went to Babies R Us with Carrie tonight and after perusing just about every other stroller in the place I finally went down the right aisle and found the one that I want. It's a jogging stroller with just about every option I could possibly want, with the exception of being able to have baby face you while you're pushing. But there are only two types of strollers that do that: The Graco Flip It, which, while cool, is as no frills as you can get (it doesn't even have a drink holder), and the Kolcraft Contours 3-Wheel Stroller, which is a very close runner up, as it flips and is a jogging stroller. However, the Jeep Liberty Limited 3-Wheel All Terrain Stroller has two storage compartments, one which is in place to catch dropped toys, and an MP3 player...these reasons do not stand up when I write them down. Both are capable of becoming a travel system by being compatible with most infant car seats. Ok, well, I suppose there is more. Just looking at them the Jeep is much more trail capable and a has lot more storage. And there's just something about the look of it...I don't know, I just like it better. As much as I wanted a stroller that flips, I really, really want this Jeep stroller. So instead of going with a standard travel system and buying a jogging stroller separately, I can make my own travel system. It's fantastic! It's tall, so David won't have to bend over so much to push it. Even I get back cramps hunched over some of the shorter strollers. And being in Colorado, those wheels are going to come in handy. So here's to my first big decision on baby stuff. Oh, and of course, the deciding factor, it's made by Jeep. This stroller is officially on the list.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Intelligender and Appointments

I had an appointment this morning, and we heard the heartbeat again! It's so cool every time. I am getting a bit of grief because my pain doctor in Cleveland prescribed me Oxycontin and prolonged use of it during me pregnant can leave to the baby going through withdrawal. However, as I explained to my midwife, no one is giving me any other options. My choices are take the pain medication or take nothing. Taking nothing isn't an option and as much as everyone loves to complain about my "choice" in medication, no one is willing to suggest something else. I told her that without the medication I was unable to take care of myself and it was unsafe for me to live alone. I would either need to live in a hospital or clinic with constant monitoring or I would need to nurse to be at the house at all times. She said she can't do that. I told her that basically I was being told to go home and suffer alone, and that is unacceptable. I am not happy about the potential effects on my baby, but what other choice do I have? None!

On a much more positive note, I took the Intelligender urine test this morning and it says that Baby Entropy is a boy! I guess we'll just have to wait and see what the ultrasound says in another four weeks, give or take a little.

Monday, April 12, 2010

You Make Me Want to Live

I'm not trying to be depressing, I just heard this song and thought it summed up how I feel about my baby. I'd be lying if I said that sometimes that wasn't the only thing getting me though. It's been a hard couple months, with some even harder ones still to come. And I still feel pretty damn hopeless, until I think of you.

Read

You Lyrics

here.

Blah

So this new pain doctor was a bust. He agrees with Dr. Ripp and everyone else. There's nothing to be done. It's acceptable that I have to get rid of my pets, hire people to take care of my house, and rely on friends and volunteers to be able to eat, shop, or do much of anything. Well...205ish days until I can get an epidural. Then I'll have some relief. But at this point that's all I have to look forward to.

His advice: try to eliminate stress from my life. Well let me think about this, what stresses me out the most? Hmmm...let's think really hard...could it be PAIN? The disappointment is becoming overwhelming. I don't have any more tears to cry. Now I just get a burning in my throat, it doesn't make it to my eyes.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Not baby related, but hey

I don't understand why I'm supposed to pump myself full of anti-nausea medication when the only thing that gets rid of my nausea is eliminating my pain. You cannot treat one without treating the other. They are inexplicable bound. Let's hope I can get that point across at my appointment tomorrow. I really hope so! I'm hoping for something better than what I have now. We'll see how it goes. I also need to go buy some jeans and take the dogs by Camp BowWow for their interview. Carrie said she would go shopping with me, I'm hoping that she'll accompany me on the rest as well. That's a lot of work to do on my own. À bientôt!

11 weeks

So babycenter says that my baby is working on being two inches long this week. Two whole inches! I keep holding my thumb up to my abdomen and thinking, "No way!" How can there possibly be a baby that size in my belly already? How can baby be that big without showing yet? Wowzers!

I got a lot done today (for me). I sorted all the laundry that had been piling up, and managed to get a load done. I loaded and ran the dishwasher. And I was able to go out to Walgreens to get a freezie (my craving recently). On a downer note, my pump isn't working properly. I called the nurse and told her what was going on, but, of course, when I had her on the phone it worked fine. Five minutes later it was doing the same thing, but I haven't called back because, quite frankly, she was very condescending. She acted like what I was telling her couldn't possibly be what was happening, and she was patronizing when she was here earlier today too. She kept commenting on my housekeeping, as if I don't know my house is messy, and as if I have a choice in the matter. I do what I can when I can, and you would think she would have more sympathy for people in rough situations. AND she did a terrible job changing my bandage. I was having an allergic reaction to the tape adhesive and she didn't even go to the trouble of cleaning all of the adhesive off of my arm or off of the PICC line. And she left pieces out of the PICC line bandage. They were there when she took it off, I don't know why she didn't feel the need to replace what was there. It just makes her look sloppy, which is humorous, considering how big a deal she was making over my housekeeping. So I don't exactly feel like calling again. I'm just going to tough it out until Tuesday when Steve will be out. Hopefully I can manage without the pump till then. We'll see how it goes. If I can't, well, I suppose I'll break down and call to get help. What's annoying is I don't even feel like I can make a complaint, because every single time I've called the on-call nurse, it's been this woman. So if I complain, and I need to call them after hours again, I'm most likely stuck with someone who won't like me very much.

My nausea is dying down, for the moment. I'm hoping David will get online soon since I slept through him last night and he didn't get back on when he said he would this morning. I don't know what was up with that, except that NO ONE LEAVES HIM ALONE. He's too good at his job, so everyone relies on him for the answers to their problems. It makes talking to him really annoying, because he's constantly interrupted. Grrr. He says after his promotion he's making a Do Not Disturb sign. I told him that was a good idea, because otherwise I was going to find a way to get violent from a distance.

On a final note, these cats need to stop trying to walk on me. I'm more than willing to pet them, but they aren't happy unless they're crawling all over me, which will lead to me barfing all over them. Get online soon honey!

Friday, April 9, 2010

ER Ultrasound Pics

10 weeks, 1 day, going off of measurements, not dates. Baby Mac likes to jump around.


Not much to see, this ultrasound didn't take pictures of the same quality as the one at my OB's office, apparently.


Here you can see the body, head, and arms. On the screen I could see them a lot better, plus legs. And Baby Mac was moving around a lot, so we got good views of everything, just not great pictures. 

I'm planning on taking the Intelligender test when I get back from Cleveland, and I'll probably schedule an ultrasound for video purposes around the same time, maybe a few weeks later.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Despair

I'm waiting for Sharon to call me back. I'm going to try to get re-admitted to the hospital. Dr. Ripp's nurse called me back, and said that he doesn't feel comfortable prescribing me more than 3 sprays per day. Unfortunately, that's not enough. So I'm going to tell her I'm still unable to eat, and I'm unable to control my pain with home medication. I don't know what the solution is, but this isn't it. I'm unable to take care of myself, I can barely get out of bed, and I'm out of options. If they're going to make me suffer for the good of the baby then I'm doing it in a hospital. Not being able to live at home poses its own problems, but for heaven's sake, I can't even wear clothes the half the time! Now I'm going to pull on some pants and try to stand them long enough to go get my prescription. The prescription that may not even be covered. Wish me luck.

A normal morning

I woke up, went to the bathroom, walked back into the bedroom, and started vomiting. My upper back has started hurting in a weird, throbbing, über-sensitive way. By weird I mean that it's difficult to describe, not that it's any different from the pain I normally experience in my upper back. I took what amounted to 1 1/2 hits of my Stadol (I'm running low) and it seems to be kicking in now. Because of the vomiting I was having esophageal pain that seems to be getting better with the Stadol too. I'm waiting for Dr. Ripp to call me back about changing my prescription, because I use a lot more than one puff a day, and the prescription needs to be written for more so that TriCare will cover it and, with luck, I could get more at one time so that I'm not calling for refills every 4 days. I'm not in as much pain, and I'm less nauseous, but it makes me sleepy. Maybe I'll try to nap before they call me back. It's a shame I have to fight to have the medicine I need though.

Matters of Health

How I feel continues to vary, from feeling almost normal to being in a lot of pain and vomiting. I wasn't able to eat anything until after 8PM, and prior to that I was throwing up even though I'd eaten nothing. With Carrie's help I managed to get the dogs their shots, which will allow me to kennel them while I'm in Cleveland, if necessary. My flight is booked for 2PM on Tuesday. I intend to use all the assistance I can in the airport, because I cannot afford to be sick and in pain while traveling. I can only hope that the trip will be worth it, despite my trepidation over how things will go. At the very least it will be nice to see my grandparents, so it's impossible for the trip to be a total waste. I can only hope that I get a solution out of it. I keep trying to choose high calorie foods when I'm able to eat, but on days like today what I eat really isn't going to matter. And every day has been like to day for a while now. I know, I'm tired of complaining too, but I really don't have much else to talk about. This is what I do all day, try to manage whatever my body decides to throw at me.

I have another OB appointment on Thursday. They're keeping good tabs on me. At this point though, if we don't come up with something before the end of tax season, I'm going to make a case for admitting me back into the hospital. If things haven't improved by then we're going to have to take steps to make sure that I'm receiving nourishment and, in my opinion, I need to be receiving monitored treatment. We'll see what happens. I haven't lost hope that either of the pain doctors I will see next week will be able to help me.

I have to call TriCare tomorrow. They wouldn't pay for my last prescription of Stadol because it was "too soon." Using it at the maximum allowed dosage it lasts about 4.5 days. I should be able to get my refills after that point, so I'm going to be asking to be reimbursed. I also need to call my doctor for a new prescription, as I'm almost out of the bottle I got on Friday. Sad that I use so much? Yes. But there's nothing for it. If the doctors have a problem with that then they need to come up with something else that works better, don't they? I wish I could write more about the baby and the pregnancy, but at this point it's all related, and I am unable to do anything with my day but be sick.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

9 weeks, 5 days

Title

I have an appointment with Sharon today at 1330. I'm not scheduled for an ultrasound, I assume I'll get one next week, but I'll never turn them down if I can be fit in. I've lost more weight, which isn't going to make Sharon very happy, but there's nothing I can do about it. I'm also planning on asking her how far along I should consider myself (the other reason I want an u/s) and whether or not special circumstances can be allowed to let me video my ultrasounds.

David and I talked last night, and he said he'd like me to do the Intelligender, just for fun. In the interest of making him feel more attached to a baby he can't see, I'm willing to spend money on things like that and the private ultrasounds. He won't be able to come to my appointments, or feel the baby move, or watch the baby grow in person. I can only send him pictures and videos, and eventually we can webcam. Speaking of pictures, I need to get around to taking one of me now. I don't have a before pic yet, and already it's becoming noticeable to me. And I want a picture of me in my favorite dress and shoes before they have to retire for a little while. Actually, I'll probably pick up some leggings and continue to wear the dress as a long skirt, but it's short now, and will be even shorter when I have a belly on me. Put them with those shoes and my legs look a mile long though, it's fantastic.

I'm going to add a countdown till my second trimester after I go in today. And for the moment, I'm going to look at ultrasound pictures so I can have a better idea of when I should be going in for a video, and whether I want it to be 2D or 3D considering how early it's going to be.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Yesterday

Yesterday was actually a really good day for me. I didn't hurt that much, and was able to get some stuff done. Carrie came over and helped me clean house, and by that I mean that she cleaned and I tried to be somewhat useful. But she was so great! She swept and mopped every room, moved furniture, cleaned my bathroom, did dishes, and more. And after all that, we went to Wal-mart, where I got a Subway meatball sandwich (yum) and we bought what we needed to dye Easter eggs. That was so much fun! I kept down my food and we were able to have some solid girl talk all day. She took me to my doctors appointment, which was a huge bust. I had my specialties mixed up, for one thing. I was seeing a GI doc, not a pain management specialist. And then, when I went in, he asked if I'd seen anyone else. I said yes, I was referred to a GI doctor over a year ago to have a colonoscopy, but he just did the colonoscopy, it didn't feel like a real doctor-patient relationship. And yet Dr. Kilpatrick told me that he wouldn't see me, that I should go on post to figure out who the GI doctor was (because all my records are sent there, didn't you know? NOT!) for continuity of care. WTH? This previous GI doctor doesn't know any more about me and my problems than you do, he just did the colonoscopy. I didn't push it though. If he didn't want me as a patient, I didn't want to be his patient, so I just left. He must be doing pretty well for himself if he can afford to turn away patients. And maybe I didn't like that GI doctor, maybe I wanted a second opinion, or a fourth, or a fifth! But whatever, obviously none of that is actually important to this guy. Doesn't say much for his professionalism, in my opinion Obviously I'm in your office because I want to see you, and not go hunting for this guy I only saw once.

However, I was able to come home and enjoy the rest of the afternoon with Carrie. And our eggs look beautiful! Carrie is very good at mixing colors and getting some very beautiful shades. I was even able to eat a potato and some candy and keep everything down.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Terrified

I'm terrified of labor. If I'm in this much pain now, imagine how it will be when the baby is bigger, and when contractions are wracking my body. I'm all alone, and my days consist of trying to ease the pain, enjoying the very few moments when those methods have worked, hoping the food or drink I've eaten will stay down and not cause more pain, and sleeping. I have an appointment with a new pain management doctor tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to think of how to lay it all out. You would think that it would be easy to explain to a pain doctor how much pain you are in, but it's not. The best explanations I come up with get a general murmur of assent and then we continue with a line of treatment that doesn't work. If I'm going to care for this baby properly, in my womb and after I've given birth, we have to come up with something better than pumping me full of medications that, while helping my symptoms, do not offer full relief and still render me a helpless invalid.

Part of me is wondering if I'm just cursed. It's been six years, seven months, and two days. And we're no closer to knowing what is causing my pain, though we've ruled out just about everything. Are the procedures they could do to help really any more dangerous to my baby than all of the drugs I'm forced to take? My Stadol prescription is for one puff per day. One! Let's come back to reality. On a good day, I'll take two. On a bad day...six to eight? Honestly, I don't keep count. I take it when I need it. But this pain is scaring me. The thoughts it puts in my head are disturbing. I can't even repeat them. But I'm terrified of reaching a limit. I don't know how much pain a person can stand, and I've been in so much for so long. Eventually there has to be a breaking point. It's like I've been blindfolded and spun around, and told that somewhere nearby there's a cliff, don't fall! And I try so hard not to find the edge, and all I want is to know with certainty whether I'm headed for safety or doom. But I can't see anything. And after suffering through blindness and fear for so long, eventually I stop caring which way I'm headed. Maybe that's the freedom of it. Except I do care. I care for me, I care for my family, and I care for this life that is depending on me to keep fighting. Except I don't know what's left to fight with. Uncertainty rules my life, and I'm asked to make impossible choices. Do I reject medication for the good of my child? Or do I take it so that my body has a better chance of caring for that child, as without it I cannot provide nourishment or health?

I'm all alone. It's me or nothing. And I can't do it anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to my appointment. And afterwards, I'm going to arrange to send my dogs to my parents. I'm going to find someone to hire to come take care of my cats. And I'm going to call my midwife, and have her check me in to the hospital again. It's the only way. The only way to make sure that my baby is safe. Safe from me. It's the only way.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Ultrasound Pictures!

Ultrasound on 11 March 2010
6 weeks and 1 day
Ultrasound on 25 March 2010
8 weeks and 5 days

Updates

I had an ultrasound yesterday. Baby is measuring 4 days ahead, 8w5d instead of 8w1d. HB is solid at 164. It's finally started connecting in my head that this pregnancy is going great (the baby part, anyway) and this time we're actually going to have a baby. A real baby. After so long it doesn't feel real, as it probably doesn't for everyone in these early stages, but for me it's just a miracle every time I see that little heart thump thumping along, perfectly healthy. My miracle. I don't know whether it was the Clomid, or the Progesterone, or just luck, but now we've made it past both of the previous loss dates and everything is fine. Better than fine. If anything baby needs to slow the growing down so he/she isn't humongous. I'm considering whether to go to one of the commercial ultrasound companies so I can get a video of the baby, since my practice can't for insurance reasons. It's $90, and I could send it to David too. It might just be worth it. I'm thinking in another few weeks, about 12. I still can't believe it.

I'm still feeling awful, but I managed to get an appointment with my pain doctor (for 0645, grrr). He prescribed me a patch that goes behind my ear for nausea (because I need more anti-emetics) and Stadol nose spray, at my dad's suggestion. The doctor didn't look incredibly enthused about it, but what am I supposed to do? Oral medication isn't reliable, because my delayed gastric emptying slows the absorption rate even when I do manage to keep the meds down.

If we can't find a way to manage my pain we're going to be looking at what amounts to a feeding tube, because I've already lost weight, and I can't imagine that won't continue if the vomiting does. And the only way to control the vomiting is to control the pain. I took a whiff of Stadol just now. My nose feels tingly. Let's hope that will translate into pain relief.

I'll do whatever I have to do for the welfare of my baby, just like (I hope) any mom would. But I'd really prefer to be able to eat.