Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Yesterday

Yesterday was actually a really good day for me. I didn't hurt that much, and was able to get some stuff done. Carrie came over and helped me clean house, and by that I mean that she cleaned and I tried to be somewhat useful. But she was so great! She swept and mopped every room, moved furniture, cleaned my bathroom, did dishes, and more. And after all that, we went to Wal-mart, where I got a Subway meatball sandwich (yum) and we bought what we needed to dye Easter eggs. That was so much fun! I kept down my food and we were able to have some solid girl talk all day. She took me to my doctors appointment, which was a huge bust. I had my specialties mixed up, for one thing. I was seeing a GI doc, not a pain management specialist. And then, when I went in, he asked if I'd seen anyone else. I said yes, I was referred to a GI doctor over a year ago to have a colonoscopy, but he just did the colonoscopy, it didn't feel like a real doctor-patient relationship. And yet Dr. Kilpatrick told me that he wouldn't see me, that I should go on post to figure out who the GI doctor was (because all my records are sent there, didn't you know? NOT!) for continuity of care. WTH? This previous GI doctor doesn't know any more about me and my problems than you do, he just did the colonoscopy. I didn't push it though. If he didn't want me as a patient, I didn't want to be his patient, so I just left. He must be doing pretty well for himself if he can afford to turn away patients. And maybe I didn't like that GI doctor, maybe I wanted a second opinion, or a fourth, or a fifth! But whatever, obviously none of that is actually important to this guy. Doesn't say much for his professionalism, in my opinion Obviously I'm in your office because I want to see you, and not go hunting for this guy I only saw once.

However, I was able to come home and enjoy the rest of the afternoon with Carrie. And our eggs look beautiful! Carrie is very good at mixing colors and getting some very beautiful shades. I was even able to eat a potato and some candy and keep everything down.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Terrified

I'm terrified of labor. If I'm in this much pain now, imagine how it will be when the baby is bigger, and when contractions are wracking my body. I'm all alone, and my days consist of trying to ease the pain, enjoying the very few moments when those methods have worked, hoping the food or drink I've eaten will stay down and not cause more pain, and sleeping. I have an appointment with a new pain management doctor tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to think of how to lay it all out. You would think that it would be easy to explain to a pain doctor how much pain you are in, but it's not. The best explanations I come up with get a general murmur of assent and then we continue with a line of treatment that doesn't work. If I'm going to care for this baby properly, in my womb and after I've given birth, we have to come up with something better than pumping me full of medications that, while helping my symptoms, do not offer full relief and still render me a helpless invalid.

Part of me is wondering if I'm just cursed. It's been six years, seven months, and two days. And we're no closer to knowing what is causing my pain, though we've ruled out just about everything. Are the procedures they could do to help really any more dangerous to my baby than all of the drugs I'm forced to take? My Stadol prescription is for one puff per day. One! Let's come back to reality. On a good day, I'll take two. On a bad day...six to eight? Honestly, I don't keep count. I take it when I need it. But this pain is scaring me. The thoughts it puts in my head are disturbing. I can't even repeat them. But I'm terrified of reaching a limit. I don't know how much pain a person can stand, and I've been in so much for so long. Eventually there has to be a breaking point. It's like I've been blindfolded and spun around, and told that somewhere nearby there's a cliff, don't fall! And I try so hard not to find the edge, and all I want is to know with certainty whether I'm headed for safety or doom. But I can't see anything. And after suffering through blindness and fear for so long, eventually I stop caring which way I'm headed. Maybe that's the freedom of it. Except I do care. I care for me, I care for my family, and I care for this life that is depending on me to keep fighting. Except I don't know what's left to fight with. Uncertainty rules my life, and I'm asked to make impossible choices. Do I reject medication for the good of my child? Or do I take it so that my body has a better chance of caring for that child, as without it I cannot provide nourishment or health?

I'm all alone. It's me or nothing. And I can't do it anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to my appointment. And afterwards, I'm going to arrange to send my dogs to my parents. I'm going to find someone to hire to come take care of my cats. And I'm going to call my midwife, and have her check me in to the hospital again. It's the only way. The only way to make sure that my baby is safe. Safe from me. It's the only way.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Ultrasound Pictures!

Ultrasound on 11 March 2010
6 weeks and 1 day
Ultrasound on 25 March 2010
8 weeks and 5 days

Updates

I had an ultrasound yesterday. Baby is measuring 4 days ahead, 8w5d instead of 8w1d. HB is solid at 164. It's finally started connecting in my head that this pregnancy is going great (the baby part, anyway) and this time we're actually going to have a baby. A real baby. After so long it doesn't feel real, as it probably doesn't for everyone in these early stages, but for me it's just a miracle every time I see that little heart thump thumping along, perfectly healthy. My miracle. I don't know whether it was the Clomid, or the Progesterone, or just luck, but now we've made it past both of the previous loss dates and everything is fine. Better than fine. If anything baby needs to slow the growing down so he/she isn't humongous. I'm considering whether to go to one of the commercial ultrasound companies so I can get a video of the baby, since my practice can't for insurance reasons. It's $90, and I could send it to David too. It might just be worth it. I'm thinking in another few weeks, about 12. I still can't believe it.

I'm still feeling awful, but I managed to get an appointment with my pain doctor (for 0645, grrr). He prescribed me a patch that goes behind my ear for nausea (because I need more anti-emetics) and Stadol nose spray, at my dad's suggestion. The doctor didn't look incredibly enthused about it, but what am I supposed to do? Oral medication isn't reliable, because my delayed gastric emptying slows the absorption rate even when I do manage to keep the meds down.

If we can't find a way to manage my pain we're going to be looking at what amounts to a feeding tube, because I've already lost weight, and I can't imagine that won't continue if the vomiting does. And the only way to control the vomiting is to control the pain. I took a whiff of Stadol just now. My nose feels tingly. Let's hope that will translate into pain relief.

I'll do whatever I have to do for the welfare of my baby, just like (I hope) any mom would. But I'd really prefer to be able to eat.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hopefully home for good

So far, so good. I can't say I've been feeling great, but nothing like before. The pump is set up and working well. Getting to mess with it is kind of fun, until I'm in pain and want to get in the tub and have to inject stuff and wrap it all up first. So that got old quickly.

These animals are driving me crazy this morning. The dogs won't stop blustering to go outside and chase squirrels. Loki, after mewing insistently earlier, won't stop chasing Isis to put the moves on her (you're FIXED you blasted cat). Thor won't stop mewing and pawing at my door (he's locked up now). Hathor won't stop mewing that dry food is NOT what she wanted (as if it's going to get better than that). I'm tired! Let me sleep you dumb animals!

Unfortunately, once I have almost adequate sleep it's difficult for me to fall asleep after being awoken. So here I am complaining.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Frustrated

You want to know what's really frustrating? Different doctors telling you different things about the same thing. The second doctor at Sharon's practice came in to see me today, and the plan that she apparently talked about with Sharon is nothing like what I thought we were aiming for. And it's extremely disconcerting when I'm told conflicting information about the dangers of using certain medications during pregnancy. Specifically, Dilaudid. I asked Sharon if I should be worried about taking it, or if I should limit when I ask for it to when I really felt I needed it. She said no, that they wouldn't give me anything that could pose a risk to the baby. And the Doc #2 comes in and says that it's a Class D medication and is only meant for use in pregnancy for a short time, and they want to start weaning me off of, not only it, but my other medications and fluids. This entirely contradicts what I thought was the solid agreement that my medications were the only thing that prevented the vomiting from returning, and especially theDilaudid! I thought that the whole reason we put the PICC line is was because I was going to either be staying in the hospital to continue receiving everything or arranging with a home care business to do the same. I really, really hate when doctors contradict each other. This situation is especially confusing because, according to the doctor, they are on the same page. I think I will call Sharon and ask her. Being told that a medication is safe, and then being told that it's not is alarming. Unfortunately, it's the weekend, and she's not on call. So I guess I'll have to suffer through until Monday when we can sort this out.

My major qualm is this: why are we taking me off these medications, even gradually, when up until this point I have not been able to eat without them? Wouldn't it make more sense to feed me, see how that goes, and then start reducing my medication? Why are we taking me off of fluids before we know whether or not I'm going to seriously dehydrate myself again? Why am I being told to try things like Jell-o and pudding, which are on the full liquid diet I've been eating for the past two days? Did she even know what diet I've been on before she started making recommendations for me? I absolutely loathe this. Why? Because I know exactly what's going to happen. I'm going to start vomiting again. And then we're going to have to start this whole process over. Oh! And she was talking like I'm not supposed to go home on medications. What??? Then what the hell was the point of putting this PICC line in? Because, let's be honest, it's overkill if I'm going to be in the hospital for less than a couple of weeks. I thought the whole point was that it could come home with me and be used to administer meds there. If you're going to take me off fluids and medications then I don't see why I wasn't just left with a normal IV. I am pretty sure that Sharon said that I needed to stay in the hospital until we could arrange for a home provider with TriCare. At this point the information I've gotten is a mass of contradictions, and it's irritating the hell out of me.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Stuck Here

I was feeling fantastic all through last night and this morning, to the point of feeling dumb that I was healthy and in the hospital. So they allowed me to have an (technically) unlimited diet, but told me to take it easy. So for lunch I had chicken noodle soup, toast, and some grapes. Within an hour I started throwing up everything and had to have pain medication. So for some reason I cannot handle food, and am back on a clear liquid diet. I feel much better after my last vomiting, but I'm still waiting on Reglan. At this point I'm on a regular schedule of Zofran and Phenergan, with Dilaudid and Reglan as needed. I also get Protonix once a day, which is basically IV Nexium.

My dad is here! David is picking him up right now. He doesn't have a return flight, he's here to stay as long as I need him. If anything comes up that would require him to leave, Mom will come out in his place. That's such a relief. Now I'm just trying to be ok with the fact that my house is a mess (for obvious reasons) and I have no way of doing any cleaning (not that I was up to cleaning recently anyway).

I'm really upset that David is leaving tomorrow and I'm stuck here. These are the days when you want to capitalize on every moment together, and ours have been drastically reduced. And (TMI) we haven't had sex in quite a while because I've been feeling so crappy. I keep telling myself that it's worth it, and so does he, but this isn't exactly the best send-off in the world.

This whole thing just sucks beyond the telling of it. Tri-for-Care doesn't cover the only business in the city that Sharon knows offers everything I would need at home. So I have to wait in the hospital while the insurance details are wrassled out. I'm really curious what the solution is going to be. I would think that they would prefer to make an allowance for this business instead of paying for me to stay in the hospital for weeks on end, but who really understand insurance companies?

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

6 weeks, 6 days

We saw the heartbeat again! Measuring perfectly, which is such a relief after all of this sick. I'm still on a clear liquid diet, and am having some food brought up as we speak. I feel kind of dumb being in the hospital when I'm feeling better, but until we're confident that I can return to normal I can't go home. What's been surprising about all of this is that they were pumping me full of anti-nausea and anti-emetics and I still couldn't stop vomiting, and even when I wasn't I felt awful. I finally asked for pain medication, after trying really hard to avoid it, and they gave me some Dilaudid. It was like magic. Not only was I no longer in pain, either in my back or my chest, but all of a sudden my nausea was GONE. And I've been feeling great ever since. How ridiculous is that? Anti-nausea meds don't get rid of my nausea, pain meds do. My hypothesis is that they play off of each other. It makes sense, but it sure is annoying.

Hospitalized Again

So I was readmitted to the hospital again yesterday. And I'll be lucky to be out of the hospital in time to see David off to Iraq. Dr. Baer says that I could be here for as long as two weeks, or however long it takes to find a system of medication that will control my nausea and vomiting, because I can't continue like this. But it's so hard. We need to go to legal, for one thing, and get power of attorneys. And with him leaving it's looking like my mom or dad is going to have to come out and take care of me and the pets, since I obviously can't if I'm in the hospital.

I'm hoping that TriCare will approve a PICC line, which will allow me to administer fluids and anti-nausea medications at home. I'm also hoping for an in-home medical assistant, again, because this just can't continue. I haven't been able to eat solid food in a week. Every time I come the the hospital I'm severely dehydrated. It doesn't take long at all for my symptoms to spiral out of control and feed off of each other. I'm finally feeling better, great even, but I only feel well on a lot of medication. Not an ideal situation.

I'm having an ultrasound this afternoon, to check on the baby. Everything feels ok, but I want to know for my own piece of mind, and I know that David wants to see the baby again before he leaves. I've been having a really hard time today, probably a combination of stress, exhaustion, medication, and everything else. David's been annoying me, the internet has really been pissing me off, and in general I'm just irritable. I wanted to watch some tv shows on my computer and they have the sites blocked. And these are legitimate sites, not "someone ripped it and put it online illegally." So I wrote them an email requesting that they change their policy, because there's no reason for those sites to be blocked. Ugh.
And it will randomly load some sites really quickly, and others sit there doing nothing. Or, as a specific example, it will load half of my blog, but refuses to load the graphics.

I think I'm going to try to take a nap now. Hopefully by the time David gets back from the house I'll be in a better mood.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Home Again Home Again

And my back sensitivity is already making a comeback. So is my nausea. So let's hope taking some meds will nip this thing in the bud. I'm going to try some toast.

Pregnancy Symptoms?

So apparently the reason I throw up all day is hyper emesis of pregnancy, which is a fancy way of saying really bad morning sickness. So considering that, I think it's acceptable that leaving the hospital is a scary prospect for me. Every time I leave I get sick and have to come back. Although what I'm feeling at the moment is probably normal morning sickness dulled a bit by the Zofran, I don't feel ready to go home while I'm nauseous. It just sounds like a bad plan to me. We'll see what happens. The past two days have seemed to show that unless the anti-nausea medication is administered intravenously it's not going to help me. I have dissolvable Zofran and rectal suppositories of Promethzanine (sorry if that was TMI). They didn't do anything for me, I still wound up right where I am now. If this is just a severe pregnancy symptoms I have 6-8 more weeks before I can expect my hormones to decrease and to experience some natural relief. Considering just how severe these symptoms have been, the prospect is daunting.


David is leaving in 4 days. Being alone and dealing with this scares me. If TriCare doesn't approve an in home line that could administer fluids or anti-nausea medication I see more ambulance trips in my future. Needing this much medical intervention during pregnancy really isn't what you imagine. I can't help but be worried. I really don't want to leave the hospital. I don't want to go home and suffer again. I like feeling good in the hospital. And with David leaving everything will fall on me, which will mean needing to push myself more when I don't feel well because things still need to get done. Daunting. It's just plain daunting.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sick

Well, I am in the hospital. Again. Only this time they admitted me. They would have done so last night, but we figured there wasn't much else for them to do for me. Until I started throwing up again this morning and it didn't stop. They said it might be the flu, but they haven't swabbed me, so they can't be too concerned about it. So at this point it's just crazy pregnancy hormones, probably made worse by my undiagnosed medical problems, which we speculate to be a nerve issue. I'm feeling a lot better now, but it seems to random. The meds they gave me didn't immediately make me better, I was actually asking for morphine because I was so uncomfortable. But then, after being transferred upstairs and admitted, I vomited one final time and suddenly I felt better. No more chest pain, no more back pain, no more vomiting. The worst parts about all of this have been the esophageal pain caused by the excessive vomiting, which makes it painful to breathe, and how extremely sensitive I am to the touch. I have to take off my clothes and put my hair up, because the weight of even my hair is painful. And so far I haven't heard any hypotheses about what could be causing this. What I do know is that if this is going to continue throughout my pregnancy it's not going to be any fun at all.

They haven't checked on the baby, but my midwife is supposed to stop by tomorrow morning, and I'll ask her what she thinks. I'm on a clear liquid diet, and have been able to keep down a little bit of Sprite (knock on wood). I have some jello I might try in a little bit, but it's a scary prospect that I might eat and get sick again. I think it's time to try to get some sleep.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Yes, I'm awake

I've been awake since 4AM. I've puked several times already. Preggie Pops apparently don't help that much in prevention, though they're nice to suck on afterwards. I'm going to have to go ahead and get a prescription. I'm too miserable. I'd really like to go back to sleep, but if I lie down my nausea comes back, shortly followed by vomiting. Two more months of this. Hopefully.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Heartbeat!

We saw a heartbeat! It was there! It was so small, I made the nurse show me where she knew it was, because I didn't trust my eyes. It was amazing! We were going to video it, but they can't let us for insurance reasons. But we saw it! I saw it, and I freaked my dad out because I was crying on the phone when I called him. And David got to see our baby before he left. That means the world to both of us. And according to my midwife everything up until now looks "perfect." But I do have another ultrasound in two weeks just to take a look. Usually they're scheduled for four weeks later, but Sharon volunteered that she thought I would have a nervous breakdown if she made me wait that long. And I don't even have to wait two weeks if I don't want to. She says that if I'm ever feeling anxious to give them a call and she will work me in to get me an ultrasound to make me feel better. I really do have the best team I could possibly have. The only thing that has been off at all is my blood pressure. Usually I'm around 116/75. Today I was 138/86. And that was after doing meditation exercises in the waiting room to try to calm down. I was just that anxious.

On another note, Preggie Drops are good.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Morning Sickness

Today my morning sickness has turned into all day sickness. I'm thrilled. I haven't been throwing up all day, but I have been nauseous. And, as previously mentioned, I have at least another six weeks for my hormones to continue increasing before they start to go back down and I can expect some relief. My plan at this point is to take a bath and go to bed. I might work in some meditation before then, but we'll see. The longer I can sleep the shorter my wait is.

Because it's all I can think about

The complaining begins...

I am officially tired of throwing up every morning. Bile is gross, really, really gross. While I feel lucky that I only suffer from morning sickness in the morning, and I'm extremely happy that I have a baby to create yucky symptoms like this, I really hate this puking thing. It wears me out before my day even starts. And if I were throwing up something yummy, like ice cream, or pizza, or heck, even bread, I could tolerate it a bit more. But this is icky bile, and the taste of it just makes me throw up more.

But today I'm officially halfway through my first trimester! Yippee! Admittedly, it didn't take much, only a mere two weeks of waiting (isn't it great you get four weeks free?). But hey, that means only six more weeks before I can expect my hormones to start going down and this nausea to go away. And that's worth celebrating. Although now I'm getting confused about whether it should really count as halfway at the end of the sixth week. That's probably true. Oh well. Here's to making it through one more day. One more day till my ultrasound!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Another Side Note

I would just like to make clear that it is NEVER appropriate to joke about child abuse. Call me "righteous" all you want, it is NEVER, EVER OK. I don't care if you were "joking." It's NOT FUNNY.

When I lived in Georgia I witnessed my neighbor abuse her daughter, verbally and physically. I had to file police reports against her, and take care of her daughter when she fled to my house. So I don't find it funny. Not. One. Bit. What was said on Facebook was completely intolerable, and that person is now blocked, but what I found even more appalling is how many people were defending his right to "joke" about such a travesty. His words were something along the lines of, "If everyone beat their kids the world would be a better place." I'm not going to apologize for taking offense to that. It was offensive. I haven't told people the half of what happened in Georgia because it's none of their business and I respect the privacy of a girl who was beat down every day of her life by an alcoholic mother. I did everything I could do to defend her, first subtly, then with increased fervor as the abuse not only continued but increased. Because I not only heard her daughter's accounts of what happened, I witnessed it. Her mother didn't hold back because I was present, or she would ask me to leave and proceed to abuse her daughter while I was still within hearing distance, sometimes even sight.

Kids will push you to the brink. Whether it's a baby that won't stop crying or a child who won't stop screaming, sometimes you'll want to tear your hair out, sometimes you'll want to sit down and sob, and sometimes you'll want to haul off and smack them. But by the time you get to the last one it's YOU who needs a time out. If you can't do that then you're a bad parent. If you react physically to your child then you need a serious reality check. Because it's abuse, plain and simple. I'm not saying you can't have a breakdown, but I am saying that if you can't control your emotions enough to keep from hurting your child then not only are you a bad example (your child is going to learn to abuse others to express his/her emotion), you're a bad parent. I worked 40+ hours a week in a classroom with 20 two-year olds and one other adult. There were definitely times I lost my temper, and I feel bad about that now. There have been times when I've been the one having the breakdown, even though I'm not a mother yet. I'm telling you this because even with all those kids I never hit one. Have I wanted to administer a spanking? Yes. I really, really have. That's when I left the room, took a breather, and was able to go back into the classroom and see that the behavioral problems that frustrated me so much were caused by a need for more love, not more discipline. And I would take that child I was so angry with, put them in my lap, and give them hugs. I would carry them around the playground and make sure I went out of my way to give them positive encouragement as they played. Positive reinforcement encouraged better behavior more than any negative reaction I could have had.

I realize you don't have to agree with my opinion on what constitutes child abuse. However you do have to realize that the law will side with me. In many states it's illegal to have an argument with someone else (including your spouse) in front of your child. That is considered verbal abuse. And if you commit an act of abuse against a child in my presence, I will call the police. My neighbor had previously been my friend. That didn't keep me from calling the police and reporting her to child services. I physically drove the investigation paperwork from the police station to the Department of Family Services. And I'm happy to report that my neighbor lost custody and her daughter is now happily residing with her father.

So don't joke about it. It's not something to joke about, and if you choose to do so, be prepared for immediate backlash. I've said my peace and released some of my bile. I'm going to try to let what this insensitive moron said go, and not let it get to me. Ultimately people like that aren't worth it, but that doesn't stop my wishing that they would all march into the ocean.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Sneezing

I still want to know why I sneeze when I start to get nauseous. It's curious.

A Little Side Note

Checkpoint Honors Drunk Driver Victims
On February 21st, 2009 Lindsey and Adam Zimmer were murdered by a drunk driver, who slammed them into oncoming traffic. While I was not close to Lindsey, I had known her for many years as I am close with her mother, Kelly. Lindsey, I know your mother still carries you with her in her heart every day, and she always will. While I may not have known you well, I knew that you were a good person with a large, kind heart who didn't deserve to leave this world, especially in such violence. Lindsey and Adam were expecting a little boy, Riley William. It was a tragedy, plain and simple.

So please, please, please, if you must drink, drink responsibly, and DO NOT drive. Would you rather spend $28 on a cab or spend 28 years behind bars?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

I napped!

Miracle of miracles I got about a 2.5 hour nap this afternoon. For someone who's been having so many sleeping problems, that is exceptional. I woke up tired, but hopefully I'll perk up as I move around some more. Maybe not. Baby Mac is kicking my butt today.

On a side note, if my levels are just doubling I would be at around 21,000 today, way out of the five week range. Not that that necessarily means anything, I'm just pointing it out.

The truth about the "Ring Test"

My dad is a skeptic, and rightfully so, it would appear.

We tested out the Ring Test last night in the airport with my mom while waiting for Dad's plane to arrive. It was pretty amazing. It circled over mine and mom's hands, it went back and forth over David's. It gave me my four kids, in order, yet again, and it even got Mom's kids right (me and my brother, in that order). So we were fairly impressed with the results. We were explaining the test to Dad and he said that in order to take out the subconscious direction of the person holding the ring you have to find a way to suspend the ring from an inanimate object and test then. So this morning that's just what we did. And guess what?

It doesn't move. We strung the ring from a piece of dental floss, and then from a hair in case the floss was too heavy, and hung it from a candle holder that held the ring out appropriately. Both of us tried to get it to move the way it had when a person was holding it. Nope. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Which brings us to the conclusion that the entire thing is based on the subconscious movement of the ring holder's hand. So how about that? This explains why websites are 50-50 about which way the ring will move for each gender. Some say a boy will move back and forth, and girl will circle, others say the opposite. Now we know why. Because it's a whole bunch of superstitious bunk.

Luckily in place of the ring test you can now by a kit to pee in and it will turn colors based on what gender your baby is (they say as soon as 10 weeks). It's 80% accurate, I think (or at least the say so). So now we've gone from free superstition to pricey pee tests. Is this really progression?

Bad food habits today

We really, really, really need to go grocery shopping, but since I don't like doing it while I'm hungry, and I'm always hungry, it keeps getting put off. However, today I went to Taco Bell twice, almost three times (the last time I varied it up and went to Panda Express). Chalupas were definitely my thing today, like Mickey D's french fries with my own homemade ranch were the day before. However, fast food isn't just expensive, it's not very healthy. Granted, I order one thing per visit. I got one chalupa per visit, because I don't have the appetite to eat more than what I need to appease my hunger. I'm very happy sitting at about a quarter tank, sometimes half. Anything higher than that and it's likely to come back up.

My parents are in town. I'm pretty sure I appalled them by giving the finger to this truck driver who not only tried to kill us once, but twice. We were on his left side, there's no excuse for him not checking his mirror, we were plainly visible. The first time he cut us off entirely and we had to slam on the brakes to avoid getting hit. The second time he was stuck behind a car going slower than the driver wanted to, so he put his blinker on and proceeded to start to move over. Didn't even check. Both times I leaned over and honked the horn on David's behalf. The second time I rolled down my window and flipped him the bird. I don't know what came over me, I've only ever done that once before. I blame raging hormones. Literally, raging. I think it comes from childhood anguish over my parents never getting me a puppy. Wait. They did. So it must stem from the anguish over never getting a horse of my very own. Wait. I did. So apparently I'm just hot-blooded. Quick, everyone who didn't know that about me drop dead right now! Ok, now look around. Are we missing anybody? No? I didn't think so.

I think it's time to start reading my philosophy books again. I think I could use some perspective on motivations, objects, money, and life in general. Sometimes I can be objective enough to be the calm, soothing person I'd like to be. But I haven't been practicing much of late, and as unnatural as such behavior is to me it does require a concerted effort not to do the most fun/radical/reaction-worthy thing. I am a woman of extremes. All or nothing. But that's not the way of the world. Much better to learn to live with life's ups and downs that to respond with such passion over things that don't matter at all.

I've taken an Ambien and hope I will sleep through the whole night without waking tonight. Wish me luck!

Friday, March 5, 2010

Hunger

I am always hungry. Unfortunately, I'm also suffering from morning/night sickness, and they feed off of each other. I've made a lot of improvement on my morning sickness by making sure I eat something high in protein right before I go to bed, like chicken, cheese, or nuts. They last longer, so I don't wake up starving, lessening my morning sickness. I haven't been able to stop throwing up at night though. Last time I ate a bowl of corn (I was too hungry to wait for the chicken to cook) and it promptly came back up into the sink. Yum. But the chicken was good, and it stayed down. I am getting a bit tired of eating though. I don't have much of an appetite, which makes it difficult to stay above the E line. 

I actually got some sleep last night! The Ambien seemed to work, although I did wake up a couple of times during the night. I still totaled about ten hours of sleep though, which was quite a relief. My mom was right though, I did feel rather high for the first little bit I was awake. It was an odd feeling. Not surprising that I react the same way my brother does. We also found a solution to the "Isis Problem." She makes so much noise, it drives us crazy. We used to have to put her in a dog crate in the garage at night in order to get any sleep, but we bought a pheromone collar for her and, miracle of miracles, she's been quiet! It's such a blessing, because she's a sweet, affectionate kitty, but when we were constantly bombarded by absurd annoyingness it was hard to appreciate her good qualities. The whole house is going to be a happier place since we no longer have to yell at the cat to shut up (it never worked, but we were constantly on our last nerve). The whole environment is more relaxed now; I didn't realize how much is was stressing us out until it was gone.

My parents are arriving tonight! I'm very thankful for the distraction. I need to think about something other than my ultrasound! On that note I'm going to go back to work. There's always so much hair in this house!

Pregnancy Calendar


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Calculate Based On: Due Date on Nov 3 2010Today's Date: Mar 5 2010
Trimester 2 Starts: Apr 21 2010Trimester 3 Starts: Aug 4 2010Due Date: Nov 3 2010
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 1     4w 5d   9w 1d   13w 3d   17w 6d   22w 1d   26w 4d   31w 0d   35w 2d   39w 5d 1
 2     4w 6d   9w 2d   13w 4d   18w 0d   22w 2d   26w 5d   31w 1d   35w 3d   39w 6d 2
 3    1w 0d   5w 0d   9w 3d   13w 5d   18w 1d   22w 3d   26w 6d   31w 2d   35w 4d  40w 0d 3
 4    1w 1d   5w 1d   9w 4d   13w 6d   18w 2d   22w 4d  27w 0d   31w 3d   35w 5d   40w 1d 4
 5    1w 2d  5w 2d   9w 5d   14w 0d   18w 3d   22w 5d   27w 1d   31w 4d   35w 6d   40w 2d 5
 6    1w 3d   5w 3d   9w 6d   14w 1d   18w 4d   22w 6d   27w 2d   31w 5d   36w 0d   40w 3d 6
 7    1w 4d   5w 4d   10w 0d   14w 2d   18w 5d   23w 0d   27w 3d   31w 6d   36w 1d   40w 4d 7
 8    1w 5d   5w 5d   10w 1d   14w 3d   18w 6d   23w 1d   27w 4d   32w 0d   36w 2d   40w 5d 8
 9    1w 6d   5w 6d   10w 2d   14w 4d   19w 0d   23w 2d   27w 5d   32w 1d   36w 3d   40w 6d 9
 10    2w 0d   6w 0d   10w 3d   14w 5d   19w 1d   23w 3d   27w 6d   32w 2d   36w 4d   41w 0d 10
 11    2w 1d   6w 1d   10w 4d   14w 6d   19w 2d   23w 4d   28w 0d   32w 3d   36w 5d   41w 1d 11
 12    2w 2d   6w 2d   10w 5d   15w 0d   19w 3d   23w 5d   28w 1d   32w 4d   36w 6d   41w 2d 12
 13    2w 3d   6w 3d   10w 6d   15w 1d   19w 4d   23w 6d   28w 2d   32w 5d   37w 0d   41w 3d 13
 14    2w 4d   6w 4d   11w 0d   15w 2d   19w 5d   24w 0d   28w 3d   32w 6d   37w 1d   41w 4d 14
 15    2w 5d   6w 5d   11w 1d   15w 3d   19w 6d   24w 1d   28w 4d   33w 0d   37w 2d   41w 5d 15
 16    2w 6d   6w 6d   11w 2d   15w 4d   20w 0d   24w 2d   28w 5d   33w 1d   37w 3d   41w 6d 16
 17    3w 0d   7w 0d   11w 3d   15w 5d   20w 1d   24w 3d   28w 6d   33w 2d   37w 4d   42w 0d 17
 18    3w 1d   7w 1d   11w 4d   15w 6d   20w 2d   24w 4d   29w 0d   33w 3d   37w 5d  18
 19    3w 2d   7w 2d   11w 5d   16w 0d   20w 3d   24w 5d   29w 1d   33w 4d   37w 6d  19
 20    3w 3d   7w 3d   11w 6d   16w 1d   20w 4d   24w 6d   29w 2d   33w 5d   38w 0d  20
 21    3w 4d   7w 4d  12w 0d   16w 2d   20w 5d   25w 0d   29w 3d   33w 6d   38w 1d  21
 22    3w 5d   7w 5d   12w 1d   16w 3d   20w 6d   25w 1d   29w 4d   34w 0d   38w 2d  22
 23    3w 6d   7w 6d   12w 2d   16w 4d   21w 0d   25w 2d   29w 5d   34w 1d   38w 3d  23
 24    4w 0d   8w 0d   12w 3d   16w 5d   21w 1d   25w 3d   29w 6d   34w 2d   38w 4d  24
 25    4w 1d   8w 1d   12w 4d   16w 6d   21w 2d   25w 4d   30w 0d   34w 3d   38w 5d  25
 26    4w 2d   8w 2d   12w 5d   17w 0d   21w 3d   25w 5d   30w 1d   34w 4d   38w 6d  26
 27    4w 3d   8w 3d   12w 6d   17w 1d   21w 4d   25w 6d   30w 2d   34w 5d   39w 0d  27
 28    4w 4d   8w 4d   13w 0d   17w 2d   21w 5d   26w 0d   30w 3d   34w 6d   39w 1d  28
 29     8w 5d   13w 1d   17w 3d   21w 6d   26w 1d   30w 4d   35w 0d   39w 2d  29
 30     8w 6d   13w 2d   17w 4d   22w 0d   26w 2d   30w 5d   35w 1d   39w 3d  30
 31     9w 0d    17w 5d    26w 3d   30w 6d    39w 4d  31
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Day2010Day