Yesterday

Yesterday was actually a really good day for me. I didn't hurt that much, and was able to get some stuff done. Carrie came over and helped me clean house, and by that I mean that she cleaned and I tried to be somewhat useful. But she was so great! She swept and mopped every room, moved furniture, cleaned my bathroom, did dishes, and more. And after all that, we went to Wal-mart, where I got a Subway meatball sandwich (yum) and we bought what we needed to dye Easter eggs. That was so much fun! I kept down my food and we were able to have some solid girl talk all day. She took me to my doctors appointment, which was a huge bust. I had my specialties mixed up, for one thing. I was seeing a GI doc, not a pain management specialist. And then, when I went in, he asked if I'd seen anyone else. I said yes, I was referred to a GI doctor over a year ago to have a colonoscopy, but he just did the colonoscopy, it didn't feel like a real doctor-patient relationship. And yet Dr. Kilpatrick told me that he wouldn't see me, that I should go on post to figure out who the GI doctor was (because all my records are sent there, didn't you know? NOT!) for continuity of care. WTH? This previous GI doctor doesn't know any more about me and my problems than you do, he just did the colonoscopy. I didn't push it though. If he didn't want me as a patient, I didn't want to be his patient, so I just left. He must be doing pretty well for himself if he can afford to turn away patients. And maybe I didn't like that GI doctor, maybe I wanted a second opinion, or a fourth, or a fifth! But whatever, obviously none of that is actually important to this guy. Doesn't say much for his professionalism, in my opinion Obviously I'm in your office because I want to see you, and not go hunting for this guy I only saw once.

However, I was able to come home and enjoy the rest of the afternoon with Carrie. And our eggs look beautiful! Carrie is very good at mixing colors and getting some very beautiful shades. I was even able to eat a potato and some candy and keep everything down.

Terrified

I'm terrified of labor. If I'm in this much pain now, imagine how it will be when the baby is bigger, and when contractions are wracking my body. I'm all alone, and my days consist of trying to ease the pain, enjoying the very few moments when those methods have worked, hoping the food or drink I've eaten will stay down and not cause more pain, and sleeping. I have an appointment with a new pain management doctor tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying to think of how to lay it all out. You would think that it would be easy to explain to a pain doctor how much pain you are in, but it's not. The best explanations I come up with get a general murmur of assent and then we continue with a line of treatment that doesn't work. If I'm going to care for this baby properly, in my womb and after I've given birth, we have to come up with something better than pumping me full of medications that, while helping my symptoms, do not offer full relief and still render me a helpless invalid.

Part of me is wondering if I'm just cursed. It's been six years, seven months, and two days. And we're no closer to knowing what is causing my pain, though we've ruled out just about everything. Are the procedures they could do to help really any more dangerous to my baby than all of the drugs I'm forced to take? My Stadol prescription is for one puff per day. One! Let's come back to reality. On a good day, I'll take two. On a bad day...six to eight? Honestly, I don't keep count. I take it when I need it. But this pain is scaring me. The thoughts it puts in my head are disturbing. I can't even repeat them. But I'm terrified of reaching a limit. I don't know how much pain a person can stand, and I've been in so much for so long. Eventually there has to be a breaking point. It's like I've been blindfolded and spun around, and told that somewhere nearby there's a cliff, don't fall! And I try so hard not to find the edge, and all I want is to know with certainty whether I'm headed for safety or doom. But I can't see anything. And after suffering through blindness and fear for so long, eventually I stop caring which way I'm headed. Maybe that's the freedom of it. Except I do care. I care for me, I care for my family, and I care for this life that is depending on me to keep fighting. Except I don't know what's left to fight with. Uncertainty rules my life, and I'm asked to make impossible choices. Do I reject medication for the good of my child? Or do I take it so that my body has a better chance of caring for that child, as without it I cannot provide nourishment or health?

I'm all alone. It's me or nothing. And I can't do it anymore.

Tomorrow I'm going to go to my appointment. And afterwards, I'm going to arrange to send my dogs to my parents. I'm going to find someone to hire to come take care of my cats. And I'm going to call my midwife, and have her check me in to the hospital again. It's the only way. The only way to make sure that my baby is safe. Safe from me. It's the only way.

Ultrasound Pictures!

Ultrasound on 11 March 2010

6 weeks and 1 day

Ultrasound on 25 March 2010

8 weeks and 5 days

Updates

I had an ultrasound yesterday. Baby is measuring 4 days ahead, 8w5d instead of 8w1d. HB is solid at 164. It's finally started connecting in my head that this pregnancy is going great (the baby part, anyway) and this time we're actually going to have a baby. A real baby. After so long it doesn't feel real, as it probably doesn't for everyone in these early stages, but for me it's just a miracle every time I see that little heart thump thumping along, perfectly healthy. My miracle. I don't know whether it was the Clomid, or the Progesterone, or just luck, but now we've made it past both of the previous loss dates and everything is fine. Better than fine. If anything baby needs to slow the growing down so he/she isn't humongous. I'm considering whether to go to one of the commercial ultrasound companies so I can get a video of the baby, since my practice can't for insurance reasons. It's $90, and I could send it to David too. It might just be worth it. I'm thinking in another few weeks, about 12. I still can't believe it.

I'm still feeling awful, but I managed to get an appointment with my pain doctor (for 0645, grrr). He prescribed me a patch that goes behind my ear for nausea (because I need more anti-emetics) and Stadol nose spray, at my dad's suggestion. The doctor didn't look incredibly enthused about it, but what am I supposed to do? Oral medication isn't reliable, because my delayed gastric emptying slows the absorption rate even when I do manage to keep the meds down.

If we can't find a way to manage my pain we're going to be looking at what amounts to a feeding tube, because I've already lost weight, and I can't imagine that won't continue if the vomiting does. And the only way to control the vomiting is to control the pain. I took a whiff of Stadol just now. My nose feels tingly. Let's hope that will translate into pain relief.

I'll do whatever I have to do for the welfare of my baby, just like (I hope) any mom would. But I'd really prefer to be able to eat.

Hopefully home for good

So far, so good. I can't say I've been feeling great, but nothing like before. The pump is set up and working well. Getting to mess with it is kind of fun, until I'm in pain and want to get in the tub and have to inject stuff and wrap it all up first. So that got old quickly.

These animals are driving me crazy this morning. The dogs won't stop blustering to go outside and chase squirrels. Loki, after mewing insistently earlier, won't stop chasing Isis to put the moves on her (you're FIXED you blasted cat). Thor won't stop mewing and pawing at my door (he's locked up now). Hathor won't stop mewing that dry food is NOT what she wanted (as if it's going to get better than that). I'm tired! Let me sleep you dumb animals!

Unfortunately, once I have almost adequate sleep it's difficult for me to fall asleep after being awoken. So here I am complaining.

Frustrated

You want to know what's really frustrating? Different doctors telling you different things about the same thing. The second doctor at Sharon's practice came in to see me today, and the plan that she apparently talked about with Sharon is nothing like what I thought we were aiming for. And it's extremely disconcerting when I'm told conflicting information about the dangers of using certain medications during pregnancy. Specifically, Dilaudid. I asked Sharon if I should be worried about taking it, or if I should limit when I ask for it to when I really felt I needed it. She said no, that they wouldn't give me anything that could pose a risk to the baby. And the Doc #2 comes in and says that it's a Class D medication and is only meant for use in pregnancy for a short time, and they want to start weaning me off of, not only it, but my other medications and fluids. This entirely contradicts what I thought was the solid agreement that my medications were the only thing that prevented the vomiting from returning, and especially theDilaudid! I thought that the whole reason we put the PICC line is was because I was going to either be staying in the hospital to continue receiving everything or arranging with a home care business to do the same. I really, really hate when doctors contradict each other. This situation is especially confusing because, according to the doctor, they are on the same page. I think I will call Sharon and ask her. Being told that a medication is safe, and then being told that it's not is alarming. Unfortunately, it's the weekend, and she's not on call. So I guess I'll have to suffer through until Monday when we can sort this out.

My major qualm is this: why are we taking me off these medications, even gradually, when up until this point I have not been able to eat without them? Wouldn't it make more sense to feed me, see how that goes, and then start reducing my medication? Why are we taking me off of fluids before we know whether or not I'm going to seriously dehydrate myself again? Why am I being told to try things like Jell-o and pudding, which are on the full liquid diet I've been eating for the past two days? Did she even know what diet I've been on before she started making recommendations for me? I absolutely loathe this. Why? Because I know exactly what's going to happen. I'm going to start vomiting again. And then we're going to have to start this whole process over. Oh! And she was talking like I'm not supposed to go home on medications. What??? Then what the hell was the point of putting this PICC line in? Because, let's be honest, it's overkill if I'm going to be in the hospital for less than a couple of weeks. I thought the whole point was that it could come home with me and be used to administer meds there. If you're going to take me off fluids and medications then I don't see why I wasn't just left with a normal IV. I am pretty sure that Sharon said that I needed to stay in the hospital until we could arrange for a home provider with TriCare. At this point the information I've gotten is a mass of contradictions, and it's irritating the hell out of me.

Stuck Here

I was feeling fantastic all through last night and this morning, to the point of feeling dumb that I was healthy and in the hospital. So they allowed me to have an (technically) unlimited diet, but told me to take it easy. So for lunch I had chicken noodle soup, toast, and some grapes. Within an hour I started throwing up everything and had to have pain medication. So for some reason I cannot handle food, and am back on a clear liquid diet. I feel much better after my last vomiting, but I'm still waiting on Reglan. At this point I'm on a regular schedule of Zofran and Phenergan, with Dilaudid and Reglan as needed. I also get Protonix once a day, which is basically IV Nexium.

My dad is here! David is picking him up right now. He doesn't have a return flight, he's here to stay as long as I need him. If anything comes up that would require him to leave, Mom will come out in his place. That's such a relief. Now I'm just trying to be ok with the fact that my house is a mess (for obvious reasons) and I have no way of doing any cleaning (not that I was up to cleaning recently anyway).

I'm really upset that David is leaving tomorrow and I'm stuck here. These are the days when you want to capitalize on every moment together, and ours have been drastically reduced. And (TMI) we haven't had sex in quite a while because I've been feeling so crappy. I keep telling myself that it's worth it, and so does he, but this isn't exactly the best send-off in the world.

This whole thing just sucks beyond the telling of it. Tri-for-Care doesn't cover the only business in the city that Sharon knows offers everything I would need at home. So I have to wait in the hospital while the insurance details are wrassled out. I'm really curious what the solution is going to be. I would think that they would prefer to make an allowance for this business instead of paying for me to stay in the hospital for weeks on end, but who really understand insurance companies?